starting over

Did you know there are different kinds of tears? Your tears have a different chemical make-up when your eyes water as a result of wind or dust or whatever, than when you're emotional.

Tears used to be associated with purging of the bodily "humors," which makes sense given the fact that emotional tears contain a certain level of hormones-- that probably explains why people usually "feel better" after a good cry. Those medieval doctors were on to something.

Not surprisingly, women cry more frequently than men, and at longer durations. Crying turns into sobbing for women in 65% of cases, but only 6% for men. Babies in the US and Western Europe cry more than babies in Eastern Europe. Babies in Asia cry the most frequently, but African babies hardly cry at all. The pitch of babies' cries also apparently mimics the pitch of their parents' voice patterns (which would explain everything about the noise upstairs).

I seem to have had a lot of experience with crying lately, I'll be honest. I've started having weird anxiety attacks, which aren't even that weird or severe according to the symptoms, but it's weird because I haven't really had them until recently. Or at least I haven't acknowledged them as anxiety attacks. Husband Ames has been real understanding and also quick to point out that I/we have a lot going on right now. I'm still new-ish at work, we just bought a car, we're trying to move, we're rehearsing an intense show that opens in 16 days-- sometimes life just gives you anxiety. But when you're conscious of how silly you're being and how you know you're overreacting, well. It's hard.

I took a step recently to hopefully alleviate some of the stress from my life causing me anxiety. I am (as are all people) surrounded by factors in life over which I basically do not have control: I need to work full-time; we need to pay bills; we commute to what is essentially our second income. For a long time I've been giving myself added stress and anxiety over the fact that I seem to be at a complete standstill in the race to become The Biggest Loser (against myself). I've fluctuated between the same 4 lbs since late August. It's become increasingly frustrating as I lose it, mysteriously gain it back, rinse and repeat. So for the last few weeks, I gave myself a break and stopped dieting. I've been eating whatever I want, when I want it. I packed the scale away so I wouldn't be able to track myself. I need to restructure the rather destructively emotional pattern I've apparently set for myself by not having a pattern whatsoever. It's been bliss.

Ironically, I've had more compliments about how I look in the last few weeks than I have in months.

As of this morning, I'm back on the plan-- only I'm starting over. I've reset all my information on weightwatchers.com and erased my history. I began at 171.4lbs on May 1, 2010, and that part of my life needs to be over. It is over. I can't associate myself with it anymore. I was able to lose about 21 lbs in 4.5 months, and I'm very proud of it, but I need to move on and start clean.

This morning I was 154.2 lbs. With a fresh outlook and a refreshed spirit, I hope I can have as much success in the next four months as I did last year. And interestingly, I feel that renewal all the way into my insides in a way I haven't for months and months.

I don't think I'll cry today.

ring out wild bells

We took down Christmas last night.

What? I know it's January 20. I know last night was January 19. I know that Christmas was December 25 and that we're now closer to Valentine's day then we are to Christmas.

What?

I know I'm not alone in this.

With the prospect (and now reality!) of moving soon, it just kind of seemed easier to put it off till we knew what was going to happen, right?

Too bad it was at the expense of the dignity of a poor little Christmas tree named Jerry who brought us a lot of Christmas cheer and waved "hey" every time we walked in the door with his extra little branch. By the time he was hauled away last night, Jerry was all withered and drooped. Poor little guy.

The house looks surprisingly larger now that the tree and all the decorations are gone now, though. Which will be good in case anyone needs to come over to buy our contract.

Which they will because we're moving!

Anyone know of anyone who wants a little two-bedroom apartment? W/D included? Private entrance all utilities (except cable/internet) great LDS ward (if you're into that sort of thing) Central Orem location right by Target 3 miles from UVU for $600/month? Anyone? Let me know...

But anyway-- Christmas. It's now gone, I've now embraced 2011 and said goodbye to 2010.

All except for the four Halloween pumpkins still sitting by our front door.



What?

gloom-tastic

There's been a gloom cast over my life lately. I chalk it up to the melting dirty snow all over the place that makes everything distinctly moist. I've also felt very much like the Mysteriously Growing Woman since, though I've kept to the plan and started actively exercising about four times a week, I'm magically gaining weight, but we don't need to go into that. And of course those Waste of Makeup Days that we all have-- you know the kind-- that just seem to be all too abundant, probably because it's too cold in the morning to get up in time to get ready, which brings me back to the point about the melty gray snow.

We've recently managed to make some real Grown Up strides that I'm pretty sure is helping me reach my goal of increasing my awesomeness. First, we applied for our very first ever loan and drove off the lot with this:Look, there's me in the front seat texting about it! It's our very first Bell Family car-- a silver 2008 Mazda CX-7 Grand Touring. PRETTY! We figure we aren't going to be buying a house anytime soon, but we do spend a lot of time on the road with no sign of not spending a lot of time on the road, so we might as well have a cozy house on wheels that's not an RV.

But the gloom! Such gloom. It's got me in a funk I can't seem to pull out of. Part of the problem may be the fact that in spite of our shiny new car that we like to drive in, with the good sound system and heater that actually works, we seem to always be STUCK in traffic. Traffic is my worst anxiety, other than phones ringing off the hook. There's been plenty of that lately too... Just thinking of traffic and phones ringing makes my heart start pounding.

I intend to launch Pribbles & Prabbles: The Store on Etsy in February, which means I need to get cranking on some yarn projects but can't find the motivation. I wonder if the gloom has a little something to do with the fact that we've launched into rehearsals for Act II of A Tale of Two Cities in which we spend a lot of time in riotous French mobs, screaming, "GUILTY! GUILTY! OFF WITH 'ER HEAD!" at each other and witnessing a lot of terrible deaths. In all honesty, it's going to be a powerful production that I'm very excited to be a part of. You can get tickets HERE (if you don't think it'll make you too gloomy).

There's an Urban Outfitters sale happening online which is sorely tempting but not possible four days after buying a car (because WE DID THAT!) and also that thing about Waste of Makeup for the Mysteriously Gaining Woman. I think I might go the opposite route and actually just throw out (donate) half my wardrobe just to get rid of it. Simplify. Take some weight off by concentrating less on materialistic things. This will also make our impending move a lot easier.

Counting down the days till we move is kind of gloomy too, because it means we have to pack and then unpack. A fresh start will be nice. And also Fresh Step for our CAT because TREVOR the CAT can come live with us in a month!!!

But in the meantime: gloom, and taking home discarded cardboard boxes from work instead of recycling them.

Any suggestions for a gloom-buster?

first post of a new year

Guys, my blog followers are fluctuating as consistently as my weight. What gives! Are my posts about Katy Perry and things I want not interesting enough for you?!!

As it happens, I totally get that. I'm the most boring. My blog has no "point." Even if the "point" is to post about "pretty things" or "nice quotes" or "this is the book I'm reading," at least it would have a "point."

I'll work on that. I resolve to.

BECAUSE IT'S 2011!!!

When did that happen? Wasn't it, like, two years ago that we were all freaking out about Y2K and then the universe didn't even collapse? How is it Y2K11 already?

I sound old and curmudgeonly.

In the spirit of blogs I admire, here's a quick recap of items of note from 2010, in no particular order and with no indication as to whether or not each item was exactly positive:

1. Urinetown
2. Crochet
3. Lots of soup at Zupas
4. Ames's facial hair
5. Lizzy's wedding
6. Losing 22 lbs
7. Biking to work
8. Noorda Summer Camp
9. Crochet
10. Yarn
11. 1-year wedding anniversary
12. Cable and DVR
13. Snuggies
14. Big River sound booth
15. A Flickering
16. Grammy Green
17. Slumbies
18. Black-Brown hair
19. A Tale of Two Cities casting
20. Two new jobs
21. Trevor the cat
22. Alternator Fire '10
23. Crochet
24. Special K cereal bars (strawberry flavored)
25. Taco Bell

It wasn't a super eventful year for me...

But I have some planz to make 2011 more eventful, or at least trick myself into nostalgically thinking it was more eventful than it might prove to be (you never can tell with life):

1. Wear clothes with purpose.
2. Reach my goal weight.
3. Take one photograph EVERY DAY (sucking at this so far-- and it's only Day 3. Right?)
4. Work on my cool family history project.
5. Increase level of awesomeness by 10%.

I kid, I kid.

I want to increase my level of awesomeness by 15%.

Reach for the stars, guys.

Maybe I'll focus my blog this year around the one-photo-per-day idea and then it will have a "point" and suddenly I'll have 120987498175 followers, become a blogger.com Blog of Note, and my blog will be turned into a TV show starring me. That's sure to increase my awesomeness by even more than 15%, I bet.

Anyway, here's to life, learning, weight-loss, and tacos. HAPPY NEW YEAR.