31 January 2011

starting over

Did you know there are different kinds of tears? Your tears have a different chemical make-up when your eyes water as a result of wind or dust or whatever, than when you're emotional.

Tears used to be associated with purging of the bodily "humors," which makes sense given the fact that emotional tears contain a certain level of hormones-- that probably explains why people usually "feel better" after a good cry. Those medieval doctors were on to something.

Not surprisingly, women cry more frequently than men, and at longer durations. Crying turns into sobbing for women in 65% of cases, but only 6% for men. Babies in the US and Western Europe cry more than babies in Eastern Europe. Babies in Asia cry the most frequently, but African babies hardly cry at all. The pitch of babies' cries also apparently mimics the pitch of their parents' voice patterns (which would explain everything about the noise upstairs).

I seem to have had a lot of experience with crying lately, I'll be honest. I've started having weird anxiety attacks, which aren't even that weird or severe according to the symptoms, but it's weird because I haven't really had them until recently. Or at least I haven't acknowledged them as anxiety attacks. Husband Ames has been real understanding and also quick to point out that I/we have a lot going on right now. I'm still new-ish at work, we just bought a car, we're trying to move, we're rehearsing an intense show that opens in 16 days-- sometimes life just gives you anxiety. But when you're conscious of how silly you're being and how you know you're overreacting, well. It's hard.

I took a step recently to hopefully alleviate some of the stress from my life causing me anxiety. I am (as are all people) surrounded by factors in life over which I basically do not have control: I need to work full-time; we need to pay bills; we commute to what is essentially our second income. For a long time I've been giving myself added stress and anxiety over the fact that I seem to be at a complete standstill in the race to become The Biggest Loser (against myself). I've fluctuated between the same 4 lbs since late August. It's become increasingly frustrating as I lose it, mysteriously gain it back, rinse and repeat. So for the last few weeks, I gave myself a break and stopped dieting. I've been eating whatever I want, when I want it. I packed the scale away so I wouldn't be able to track myself. I need to restructure the rather destructively emotional pattern I've apparently set for myself by not having a pattern whatsoever. It's been bliss.

Ironically, I've had more compliments about how I look in the last few weeks than I have in months.

As of this morning, I'm back on the plan-- only I'm starting over. I've reset all my information on weightwatchers.com and erased my history. I began at 171.4lbs on May 1, 2010, and that part of my life needs to be over. It is over. I can't associate myself with it anymore. I was able to lose about 21 lbs in 4.5 months, and I'm very proud of it, but I need to move on and start clean.

This morning I was 154.2 lbs. With a fresh outlook and a refreshed spirit, I hope I can have as much success in the next four months as I did last year. And interestingly, I feel that renewal all the way into my insides in a way I haven't for months and months.

I don't think I'll cry today.

7 comments:

Julie Wilding said...

You are my friend. This is great. You are incredibly great.

Razmataz said...

I think when you are overwhelmed with other stuff, weight is harder to lose. Good luck with it. I know from experience how hard it is.

Corinne said...

I'm sorry you're going through that! Especially since I know how hard it is. I also suffer from some sort of "attack." In my body, anxiety manifests itself as a tight closed throat, hard to swallow, etc. Before I graduated college, it was the worst it had ever been. The minute I finished my last class...poof, it was gone. Of course eating was one of the only things that would relieve the stress, maybe because it got my mind off of it. I have to say I would way rather cry than have those attacks, i wish that was an option. Hang in there!

Kristin W said...

So funny that you wrote this post today, because I wrote something similar today as well. I feel as though I have been under similar amounts of increased stress this month. We've had very similar things going on, and for some reason January has been tough.

I'm starting over too...making February at least 5x better than January. It is SO HARD to focus on weight when every other part of your life is stressed. It feels a bit better to know that other people are feeling the same things as me.

Good luck! Do the best you can and I hope we can both continue with our renewed outlook and fresh beginnings :)

Lee Cannon said...

You are my favorite! Anytime you want to eat pizza our go work out, I'm yours! I love your worth as a human no matter what size or how many tears. Thank you for being mine.

Ambrin said...

tears have always been a puzzle of mine, that little intro was very enlightening for me ! yay:)

April said...

i always cry - and I always feel better.
good for you - you are amazing!