priorities

I've started and restarted this entry about 100 times this morning. I know what I want to say but not really how to say it. Cleverness isn't pouring out of my brain. I may as well stop beating around the bush.

What I mean to say is, I am grateful for creativity in my life.

I crave it. It's all I want to do and accomplish. I love beautiful things, and words and art and music and acting. You guys. I love acting. I've spent all these years of my life going to school and studying literature and history and knowing things, all with the intention of finding a way to for the rest of my life. But in the midst of school were the day jobs and the social events and the piles of books I continued to pretend like I was reading for fun but I wasn't. I did lots of acting and gained lots of experience and developed invaluable relationships, but to what end? Why?

There were a few months in my junior year that I spent being single cast in She Loves Me, wearing pretty 30s clothes and a great wig, spending every single night and Saturday with people who are so talented that it really hurts my feelings, and I realized-- I could do this. For the rest of my life, I could do this. It was a tiny role in a show I hadn't particularly dreamed of performing my whole life, but that stretch of 2 months proved not only I could give my life to an extreme routine with the same tiny group of people in the same building every single night, but I want to.

And of course, life takes different turns. I went through a little period of seeming un-castability, got married, started to embrace what it means to be a "grown up," and started stressing out so hard that anxiety became my constant companion. I've found more and more opportunities to perform in the last year, but wasn't able to concentrate and appreciate those experiences for what they really were.

With a screeching halt, the "grown up" responsibilities have basically gone out the window. I mean, I think a whole lot about money and cars and trying to find a "responsible" job, but the bottom line is that:

Since October, I have had the chance to focus on creativity and art and acting almost without distraction.

It's almost all I think about. It's what I crave. I miss friends, but not at the expense of having "free time" in the evenings. I am happy to make the commute to West Valley. I am working my dream job, you guys. For the first time in my life, I feel so strongly that the Lord is allowing me some time to reprioritize my commitments, starting with those that are most important to me and fitting in everything else around it.

I am BLESSED.

And the more I look for creative opportunities-- to read and sing and look at art and work on big theatrical projects and find creatively-minded day jobs-- they are there more and more for me.

Art is a jealous world. There can be so much competition and subjectivity and meanness, but it is also the most feeling and fulfilling and wonderful. I have so many chances and places and opportunities to perform and make art-- more than other people who would take my place so fast if I had a bad attitude. I appreciate that, and I am grateful.

For the first time in so long, I'm more and more in love with my life.