life and living

It's nice to stay up late, knowing there's no reason to get up in the morning. I mean, of course there are cosmic reasons to get up in the morning, but I'm not working and Mr. Ames has to work all the day long and I'd go get that pass to the Rec Center but I think it's closed for the holiday and mostly I've just got piles of clothes lying around to be sorted, so in essence, there's no reason to get up on the morning.

What a weird, exhausting, reflective week. My little Grammy Green passed away Monday, so Sister and I flew to Buffalo on Tuesday for her memorial service on Wednesday, then came home with the whole fam Wednesday evening.
I was so glad to be there and even though it was very sad, it was also very happy. I like to celebrate the lives of people, especially people I love. I love this little lady very much. I'm glad she's in a place where she's happy and funny and strong again.

I saw a few relatives this week whom I haven't seen in upwards of ten years. Let's be real-- the difference between a 13-year old and an almost-24-year old is stark. I felt like I was completely getting to know them again. It made me sentimental for the proverbial Good Ol' Days.

We watched a home movie tonight which chronicled my 10th birthday-- my last one in Michigan, with lots of silliness with old friends at my birthday party, most of whom I've completely lost contact with. It was just a few months before we moved to New York, and my sister gave me a window hanging with some pansies from my mom's garden. In the video, I completely melted into a puddle about it. I guess it's nice to know I've always been sentimental? Validating somehow? I also found a handful of old pictures on my computer as I was searching for pictures of my Grammy, and in them are all these people who were so important to me at the time. In many cases now, we don't keep in touch. In spite of it, they're still important to me and I'm proud of our Once Upon a Time friendships. Do they remember me with a similar prick in their hearts? I think of where I've been since that 10th birthday, eating pizza with girls I met in kindergarten in the home where I have some of my fondest memories, and it makes me wonder what will be important to me when I face My Time at the end of my life.

What moments will I remember and cherish most?

What will I have (and have already) forgotten? Does it matter that I've forgotten them?

What does it mean to live a full life? Who determines it's full-ness?

I think I just want to be happy. Accepting the fact that life is transient, and that's okay, I just want to be happy. I'd like to be remembered for being happy. I'm going to try harder to be happy. And happy is as happy does.