ambition and mouse poop

I'm working at Sundance Theater this summer after all. It's true that I wasn't actually cast in the show-- for the first time since I "assistant directed" Macbeth in high school, I'm working behind the scenes as the sound board operator. It's kind of legit. I mean, aside from the fact that I'm not getting paid and I don't get any comp tickets, I do get to press PLAY for 86 music cues and 19 sound effects while wearing a headset.

Also, the booth smells like mouse poop. It got pretty bad last night. All we're missing is a bed of cedar chips and a few of those CGI hamsters from the Kia car commercials for us to be little rodents in a cage. I even saw one of those mice run across the floor the other night. His name is Mickey. But oddly, being in the mountains with the smell of mouse poop (especially on humid nights (like last night)) has offered me a lot of clarity, especially in the last week.

These are some hard truths I've faced in the last few weeks:
- My job makes me feel awkward and it is very hard for me to be a grown-up working stiff.

- My weight loss intentions have slipped and while I haven't really gained, I'm not losing either. I've lost the motivation for it.

- Mr. Ames is supremely talented. He will be playing Robert in The Drowsy Chaperone this fall.

- This pushing PLAY business is the only theater gig I've landed this summer. I was not cast in The Drowsy Chaperone.

It has seemed lately like my life lacks focus-- like I don't know where I'm going or what I should be doing or how I should get there to do it. There are flashes here and there, but aside from coming to this job (which makes me feel awkward) and crocheting a lot, I've started to feel like maybe I'm not meant to do more than be a good, supportive wife and wait around for Husband to come home from rehearsal/performances each night. Life seems lackluster. I'm malcontented and frustrated and losing drive.

For about 72 hours I thought of giving up auditions altogether. It feels too hard, it seems to require too much-- how can I possibly contemplate the idea of trying this at a more professional level if I can't even seem to get noticed anymore in the community? Not being cast hasn't actually made me feel less talented, only under-appreciated. But is it worth it for me to put myself out there, to keep trying, to maintain a potentially misguided faith in myself if I seem to hear "no" more frequently than I hear "yes"? Is it worth all of these self-promoting, self-inspiring, potentially misguided faith-in-myself blog entries?

I think it is. I'm performing a basically mindless task, pushing PLAY when I'm told for this show I was kind of rejected from, and I'd still rather do it than not be a part of it at all. I'd rather push PLAY without pay, without comps, without my name in the program, than not be a part of it at all. I'd rather hunt for my crochet hook on the ground of a mouse poopy sound booth than not be a part of it at all.

Remember that speech Katie Finneran gave at the Tony's this year? Remember when she told me to focus on what I love, "because it's the greatest passport. It is the greatest road map to an extraordinarily blissful life"? Remember that?

Remember when Audra McDonald sat fifteen feet away from me and told me that I can't say no to myself. That if I want to play the role, "do not be the one to stop [myself]"? That "there will be plenty of other people who will do that for [me]"?

I'm going to be a big deal. Yeah, maybe part of that drive will be to stick it to anyone who told me I'm not a big deal. And to spite the mouse poop, because I'd prefer to not smell that summer after summer. And my Ames and I will be a big deal together because he's already a big freakin' deal. Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lose 25 more pounds and lighten up my hair so I can instill an outward sense of confidence in myself that will subsequently get me noticed more at auditions. Thank you.