tips

So I have this cool and interesting job, which is cool and interesting because my position is on the "in" but not "in" enough that I really matter too much. I'm also the same age as many who are actually students in the department, to the point where a lot of students don't even know I actually have a degree and am actually qualified to be in this position. It's also cool and interesting because I'm in the process of figuring out how to hire a whole troop of students to work at the youth summer camp I'm helping to direct-- even though I'm the same age as they.

If you're a person who wants to excel in theatre, and/or you're interested in working for a shiny new summer camp this year, here are some really great ways to make a good impression:


1. Talk about each other-- all the time.
It's my favorite thing in the world to be included in all the ins and outs of your dysfunctional and back-stabby relationships. I love it. I thrive on it. I want to know about every single bit of who said what about whom. I've already graduated! I'm out of all le drama, guys! I need more of it. And there's a difference between talking about a situation because it's a reality versus a situation that is super dramatic and awesome to whisper about. I like the whispering one. Keep it coming. It doesn't stress me out at all.

2. Talk about me-- especially each other.
Since no one ever talks to me about who said what about whom, it never gets back to me that people are including me in dramatics that may or may not be even made up. My life is so boring, everyone. I don't have any friends in the department and they never treat me the way a friend should, so PLEASE TALK ABOUT ME MORE MORE MORE, KAY? Words are never put in my mouth, and things I say are never selectively interpreted. Ever. It's the worst. And the most boring for real.

3. Also talk about my coworkers-- especially publicly.
We are all humans, which makes it super okay to say awful things about authority or mentor figures.

4. Ask me as many leading questions as you want-- all the time.
I know everything, guys. All details are set in stone, all the faculty talk to me about their most intimately detailed struggles, I know exactly the right audition piece that will get you cast, I'm BFF with directors, and I have a huge fat say in every decision around here. And with the minor things (that are actually, unsarcastically in my control), I totally need more input. I don't even know you're interested in this job. I couldn't even tell by how frequently you bring it up and ask me the same question that I still don't have an answer to! Sometimes, I play a really fun game that's totally amusing to myself, where I know the answers to it all, and just don't tell anyone. That's the most favorite.

4. Drop hints-- the more, the better!
See #3. Because I have no idea how much this means to you-- this information, or this know-how, or this job, or this whatever. None. Tiptoe around it some more, why don't ya!

6. Ask me for favors.
I'm a pretty nice person, so I like doing nice things for people, but if you start to ask for a favor by disclaiming, "If you're too busy to do this" or "If this is inappropriate to ask," you maybe should omit the disclaimer and just ask for it straight up. I know curiosity is just burning, and you'd probably go straight to the source (which source is more important and better educated and higher on the totem pole than me) except that it's way more convenient and appropriate to ask me about it, so what's stopping ya? Also, my office is super public, and my computer doesn't require a password to log on. A one-time thing is sure to become a whenever thing if you ask enough.

7. Tell everyone that I have already guaranteed a position for you. Go on and do it!
Considering all positions in relation to the summer camp, including my own, are based 100% entirely on the number of children who register, I've made you the exception in telling you that you will be working this summer regardless! It would be best to tell everyone about it, especially my husband. It also makes me super inclined to schedule you for all shifts every single day all month. If you talk long and hard enough, I might just offer you my position!




In conclusion, I am not a student. I got a degree so that I wouldn't have to be a student anymore. Unless we're in a social setting being social and friendly, please do not treat me with the same disrespect that you treat each other in the academic setting.

To those who are aware of the distinction of different hats and when I wear them, thank you. You know who you are. And I appreciate the different hats you need to wear too.

To those who are wondering if this post is about them, don't flatter yourself-- though I might suggest some self-reflection might not be a bad idea. A self-induced guilt trip might indicate the recognition of some behavioral patterns you might want to identify.

To those who are not even students in this department but are looking for a job, go ahead and apply. For that matter, consider yourself already hired.