learning to be awesome

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

--Judy Garland

There's a hint of irony in that quote of Judy's, considering that, of all people, I kind of aspire to be her. I mean, sans the drugs and the overdose and the multiple husbands and the weight fluctuation (caused in part by the drugs and, no doubt, the multiple husbands).

So I went to this little gathering last night at the theater where I used to work. Remember how a few posts back I mentioned-- definitely preemptively-- that Mr. Ames and I auditioned to be cast in that production of 110 in the Shade, starring Audra McDonald? Well, I wasn't cast.

See how candid I can be? I wasn't cast. Due to creative differences and subjectivity and, frankly, the nature of theatre politics, it was an opportunity that didn't come through for me.

That said, the little gathering I attended last night was centered around one Ms. Audra McDonald, who was in town today for a whirlwind of interviews, press meetings, and costume fittings. For a few minutes before she was whisked away to a performance in California tomorrow, she graciously sat down with a small group of invited guests, and basically just answered questions, very a la Inside the Actor's Studio. Then she was also introduced to her future castmates in the audience, which was mildly awkward for me, though I was glad for those who were able to introduce themselves.

First, I must mention how delightful a woman she is. She doesn't possess a note (ha) of condescension. I aspire to be half as genuine and gracious as she.

Moreover, I was impressed with her sense of professionalism, and recognition of other talent in the room. I didn't get the idea that she was sitting there on her high horse, with her four Tony awards and successful prime time television show and concert appearances all over the nation. There was a very real sense of respect for the people in the room, what they-- what I-- am capable of, and how grateful she is for her success.

I've been very concerned lately about My Place In This World. Who isn't? I'm playing that game as hard as anyone-- hoping for a little break here and there, dreaming of Making It Big and Being Someone. To that end, I've had a few hard and perhaps harsh realities thrown at me in the last year, and sitting there tonight, I honestly don't know that I've ever felt so out of place in my life. I'll be the first to say I was over-personalizing things, but in a real way-- that was real to me at least-- all that hurt of feeling overlooked or under-appreciated or getting the short end of the politics stick... Everything came flooding over me. And I hated it. I hated it so much I can hardly start to describe it.

But frankly, as cliche as it sounds, aside from spending the evening with a true role model, who has already made it and is above the game of it all, I discovered something about myself:

I can do this.

Although I've been told no in the last year, I've also had a few extraordinary opportunities where someone has said yes. In some cases, they've even said hell yes. And you know, I was even asked please. So you know what else I discovered, and then resolved harder than ever?

I will do this.

I'm in Orem, Utah, for goodness sake. To get that short end at one little theater, or even a few little theatres-- what does that even mean? As long as I'm finding opportunity elsewhere, it doesn't really mean anything. Sure, it would be nice to be on the "right" side of the politics game. Who doesn't like to be on that side of it? But while they are perhaps fewer and farther between than others who maybe don't have to work so hard to prove themselves at this point, the validation and success I'm having are getting validated-ier and success-ier with every step. I do not disregard the hard work and the raw/trained skills of the veritable crowd around me. If anything, I appreciate it, more and more. But I'm starting to be grateful for the gritty, painful path I am taking, because it means more to me. To push through it and achieve something for myself will make me appreciate it more. I will deserve it more, for myself, when I get there.

I've spent so much time comparing myself to other people. It's one thing to dream of being like Madeline Kahn or Megan Mullally or even Judy herself, but why have I been so wrapped up in being like the people around me? If I try to be "as good as her" or "as thin as her" or try to "suck up like they do," I'm discrediting myself a lot. Why can't I be the kind of person someone else is trying to emulate on a local, personal level? I can offer things no one else can. And that's pretty okay.

I've also been able to take a step back and really decide the kind of person I want to be in this business. I feel like there are all these chatty, hypocritical, ridiculous snobs around who, in all honesty, may have more natural talent than I do. Many of them are thinner than me, and have a wider, more solid vocal range, and have a resume of leading roles a mile long. But if I'd so much rather be a good person with a shorter resume who has to prove a little more that I can be shiny and carry (or help to carry) a show-- well, I think I'm okay about that.

Audra said one thing that was especially meaningful to me-- "Do not say no to yourself. If you want to play a role, do not be the one to stop yourself. There will be plenty of other people who will do that for you." She's right, dammit. I'm capable of a lot more than people give me credit for. Maybe I'm not trained yet, or have enough experience yet, but the things I'm going to accomplish are so much bigger than letting my feelings get hurt by people who tell me no, especially when others do tell me yes.

So I'm not saying that I'm going to win a Tony someday, and I certainly don't plan on winning four of them, but I'm going to be a big deal somehow, okay?

And I'll do a swag giveaway on my blog.

Win win win.