Probably falling on deaf ears

I don't like to be told I'm wrong. I don't think many people like to feel belittled or stupid or ignorant or made to feel like their opinions, because they are not "popular" or whatever, are wrong.

As we're approaching the Big Day where this country will collectively participate in a political spring cleaning, there's more "discussion" than ever, and I'm all for discussion-- as long as it's remains a discussion.

DISCUSSION: consideration of a question in open and usually informal debate.
(thank you merriam-webster.com)

I'll be honest, while I do not consider myself a staunch Republican, I do consider myself Conservative, which means my views tend to swing toward the right. I do my best to consider platforms, social issues, figure out my place within this crazy mess, then vote accordingly. Want me to be straight up about a few things?

1. I think Sarah Palin is kind of hardcore. I do not envy the amount of stabs that have been made at her expensive, unfairly, since she entered this race.
2. If I were a California state resident, I would vote Yes on 8. There is an enormous amount of awful, sad soul-searching behind this decision so don't anyone dare to call me close-minded or inhumane, but that is ultimately the course of action I would take.
3. Obama is not my homeboy. I do not find him persuasive, I do not think he will be able to follow-through with the radical change he intends to inspire in this country, I do not think he is an attractive man. I will not vote for him.

These are opinions that, in my experience, have not been open for DISCUSSION since political debate on a personal level has typically been reduced to a sarcastic battle of wits, name-calling and finger-pointing. There is no amount of openness involved.

Recently, a note was posted on facebook by someone I know, supposedly with the intent to "open the discussion" about Prop 8, not to sway votes or opinions. First of all, what else could her intention have been other than to sway opinions? I should hope that an open DISCUSSION should absolutely aim to encourage participants to re-evaluate their stances, the outcome being a better understanding of the opposing view at very least. But secondly, I have found that the following conversation has been anything but open, since opposing views have given their arguments only to be told that they are, in so many words, WRONG. So in other words, this conversation is not being opened, but absolutely closed. Apparently, Prop 8 is a closed issue and therefore not a DISCUSSION at all, and those who might choose to vote Yes are misinformed, ignorant, and unconstitutional, letting their unpopular religious beliefs get in the way between the separation of church and state.

The implication that I am misinformed, ignorant and unconstitutional really entices me to participate in any public forum of this nature. I mean, who wouldn't want to be willingly attacked for their beliefs!

I hardly need to touch the media's transparent support of the Democratic vote with silly tactics like showing Obama's (heroic, progressive, all-American) picture first and McCain's picture (usually showing him mid-sentence or in some otherwise monkey-like position) second in commercials encouraging American's to vote. I'm hardly inspired to "Rock the Vote" since the slogan has cleverly been plastered on t-shirts with a crucial change: "Ba-Rack the Vote." And while I absolutely feel for Jennifer Hudson's recent and most tragic loss, I don't care that Obama offers his support to her family since I think you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who didn't, the awful McCain/Palin camp included!

Some tips for liberals who might hope to "discuss" with us crazy backwards conservatives:
1. We tend to be as firmly planted in our beliefs as you are in yours.
2. Just because we are conservative does not mean we are ignorant. We earnestly believe in our conservative views as you do in your liberal. It is not a lack of information or "forward thinking" that landed us here.
3. Do not site or twist the words of spiritual leaders or literature in order to support your claims that will make spiritually-influenced political opinions hypocritical. It only leads to a more convoluted circle.
4. Sarcasm is unattractive. I'm really grappling to find any humor in this most serious situation, and sarcastically making fun of our beliefs- and therefore, of us, to our faces- will not spark a very open DISCUSSION.
5. The old adage may just hold true: don't discuss politics or religion among friends. There will never be black-and-white answers, exchanges of well-informed (from either perspective) opinion will never result in an absolute change-of-heart.

I hope we're all as well-informed as we can be this year. I hope that we have each studied platforms thoroughly and have formed decisions for ourselves so that our votes will reflect what we believe will prove the best course for this country. I know this is what I have aimed to do, and I sincerely hope that those with differing views (especially those who know me well, regardless of their own political stances) will give some credit to my informed opinions.

These are my friends

Happy freakin' midterms, everybody.

Bodily Thoughts

So I've always had this desire to be thin. I mean, who doesn't want to be thin? Apparently that's what the media is always telling me-- "Be thin! Calista Flockheart is your ideal, otherwise you won't make it in this biz! Bonus point if you're also blonde!" Sure, Tyra is trying to break down stereotypes and change expectations, but it hasn't been cool to be plump since the 19th century when plumpness = money enough to eat well. Incidentally, it was also cool to be pale. Clearly I was born in the wrong century.

The problem is this: I have been "skinny" before. Relatively so, at least, because let's face it-- given my genes and my build, I will never be skinny by Hollywood's standard. But I used to be quite a bit thinner than the average woman's pants size (12) and it was really satisfying to buy pants half that size.

But tell me, ignoring the post-show makeup and slightly-droopy eyes, do I even look like myself in this picture?

Because I'm inclined to say no, I don't even look like myself in this picture. This is when I was at my thinnest in college, post-SPAC, pre-hyperthyroid diognosis. I feel like I look like an alien. I'm a happy alien, apparently, and I don't remember feeling particularly freakish when I was skinny*, but yes. I just look like a really skinny, pale, alien with melted-off makeup. I don't think I want to be this skinny alien.

*Skinny is, of course, a relative term.

For what it's worth, it also makes me equally uncomfortable to see myself like this: I have discomfort seeping from every pore in my body in this picture. True, part of it is the ugly, half-blink face I'm making. This was post-hyperthyroid diagnosis/initial treatment, pre-return to school. Admittedly, I was still within "average" range (ie. exactly a size 12) so why should I even be uncomfortable? I know what a brat I sound like when this is a size many women would love to be, but it's personal for everyone, and (especially since I carry much of my weight in my face) I hope to steer clear from Size 12 Emily. I hate this picture. It's a test of strength to even post it.

What's my point here? My point is that I don't really want to be skinny. I like to eat and I don't like to exercise, and I'm fine about that. I liked it when I went to England and lost weight without trying, but I also like having a little meat on my bones. Given my hesitance to post a Fat Picture, though, I don't like being heavy either. So where does this put me?

I feel like I lucked out a little bit with Little Women this summer. It was a huge confidence booster to be informed that I am castable not only as a teenager, but also in spite of the fact that most of my stage sisters/double are much thinner than me. It would seem that in order to more easily continue to get roles like this, I should be thinner. There was a ring of truth (albeit exaggerated) when a particular teacher of mine mentioned how much easier it would be if I didn't have to worry whether I'd fit into costumes or not.

Really, I guess I should just take a cue from the fact that I continue to be cast in things-- in real roles and not always just in the ensemble. And most of the kinds of roles I want to play are not ingenues anyway-- they're typically the funny, "crazy best friend" roles and usually, funny = not skinny.

Let's take a look at my theatrical idols:

Judy Garland-- not always skinny
Megan Mullally-- not that skinny
Madaline Kahn-- also not always skinny

So obviously it's possible to have the career I'd like to have an not be stick thin. In fact, I think these women are even more beautiful because they're not stick thin (well, I guess Judy was sometimes. She fluctuated a lot. A LOT a lot. She was not naturally stick thin, is my point). But didn't they gain success when they were thinner versions of themselves? They reached a point and started getting roles where it was easier to be a "normal" size and not worry about a few "extra" inches?

And let's be real, supposedly it's easier to snag a boyfriend/husband if you're thin. Beauty does tend to be shallow, no beating around the bush there. I'd be lying if it didn't go both ways, too-- girls tend to prefer fit men over those who are not quite so fit. It's terribly hypocritical of me. I'm a hypocrite on top of being socially overweight. GREAT!

I'm not even sure what kind of conclusion I'm arriving at here. I guess I'm reinforcing any Self Actualization I've done in the last few months and also trying to justify my inconsistent exercise regimine. I could just put any resolutions out to the Universe, but I think I need to be more accountable than that, so here you are blogosphere:

I resolve to reach my goal to lose this pesky pants size by Christmas, and keep it that way.

Additionally, I don't intend to strive to attain my alien face again. I shall remain a nice, happy, not-hungry medium and pleasantly stay there, fulfilling my place as a crazy best friend, both onstage and off. She's everyone's favorite anyway, right?

(And if you're wondering if I posted this picture just to make up for that awful picture of me a few mouse-scrolls up, you wonder right.)

crazy pills

Sometimes I feel like this is my life. It's fine.

city

there's a harvest each saturday night
at the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride
a place you can stand for one night and get gone

it's clear this conversation ain't' doing a thing
cause these boys only listen to me when i sing
and i don't feel like singing tonight
all the same songs

here in these deep city lights
girl could get lost tonight
i'm finding every reason to be gone
nothing here to hold on to
could i hold you?

the situation's always the same
you got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name
stealing gold from the silver they see
but it's not me

here in these deep city lights
girl could get lost tonight
i'm finding every reason to be gone
there's nothing here to hold on to
could i hold you?

calling out somebody save me
i feel like i'm fading away
am i gone?
calling out somebody save me
i feel like i'm fading

in these deep city lights
girl could get lost tonight
i'm finding every reason to be gone
there's nothing here to hold on to
could i hold on to you?

Thoughts, while snow threatens

I think I'm going to have perogies and kielbasa for elevensies today.

It's nice to rock an audition, and know you did, and even though you don't know the outcome yet, you feel good about yourself for having rocked it.

Why won't this abc.com Full Episode Player work? I need to catch up on Grey's Anatomy, Pushing Daisies, and Ugly Betty, thank you.

Also The Office, but that's on nbc.com.

I'm tired of flaming democrats obnoxiously spouting their opinions and entirely bashing mine. Not even mine-- I'm tired of obnoxious democrats bashing any opinion that isn't their own, ears entirely closed (to say nothing of minds), with no room for an edgewise word. I don't care to hear you hear yourself talk anymore. If you'd like to have a discussion, I think that's great and I'd love to join you, regardless of our differing views. If you're just going to be sarcastic and relatively attacking, get out of my face before I punch you in the teeth. Now go ahead and try to turn that into a Sarah Palin joke-- something about growing up in tundra wasteland and knocking out the teeth of a wolverine that's wearing lipstick or whatever-- because you're just that funny, to boot.

Me + Sarah and Robbie = <3

Some kind of virus or trojan or something has sneaked onto my computer. I can't seem to get it cleaned off and that little pop-up is really starting to bug me.

I think I've numbed myself to Ghost Hunters. I still watch it every week but it's just not as scary as it used to be. I don't even get creeped out very much anymore. That said, I don't think I'd like to be haunted in real life. I'm happy to watch others hunt ghosts.

I like hunting of a different nature. My friend Ashleigh knows this.

My toes are cold. It's a little bit exhilarating because that means winter's on the wing. There's something promising in the crispness of the air and the time of year and all sorts of exciting traditions. I wore my corduroy coat with my Rooney pin for the first time this week. I love that coat. Today, if it's cold enough, I might wear my wool coat I love so much and I'll wear a scarf too. AND MY GREY BOOTS. I love those grey boots. I'm pretty sure September - December is my most favorite, blissful time of year.

I should probably get some Pudding on the Rice this week. Bittersweet Symphony, please.

I haven't been to a movie in a very long time. I think I'd like to go see a movie this week. I might even go by myself. It'll be like that time that I went to the National Gallery in London all alone, or when I went to Her Naked Skin at the National Theater and it was raining and I almost didn't get off the Tube that night to go back to the flat because I was so entirely in love with that city and maybe if I didn't get off the Tube I would never have to go home. That's what going to a movie by myself would be like.

little april showers

it could happen to anyone, so you'd better be careful

Facebookial clarity

I learned a lesson tonight.

What I learned is, facebook stalking availeth nothing but disappointment and discouragement.

Listen-- go on living in your little dream world, where anything is possible with anyone. Go on believing that you might mean something special to someone in a more special way than anyone else could mean anything specially, because the minute you get curious, you'll find you're not so special after all.

Well, maybe you are special somehow. But the point is that you're not as special as you thought you were, which is equally disappointing, maybe more so.

WOULD YOU RATHER: be secure knowing you're not special at all to someone? Or know you're special, unsure to what extent?

Facebook and blogs will remind you that those arms have held someone else, and those hands reached for someone who is not you. That laugh has delighted in someone else's cleverness. That heart has missed someone while they were away, while you were here all along.

I'm not even talking romantically, lest everyone chalk up this entry to be another Sad Loveless Emily blog. It could be romantical, if you like. It could be friendly. Mostly it's a matter of meaning. You don't mean as much as you thought you did. The way they treat you doesn't have so much meaning because it turns out they treat someone else differently too. The sentiment behind the unspoken affection doesn't mean quite so much.

You're not really so different from her, you know. You're cut from the same kind of cloth-- at least on the surface. You like similar art and books and weird bands, but they like the same art and the same books and the same weird bands. Turns out you're synthetic and they're the expensive import.

Synthetic fabric is less expensive; why beat around the bush? it's cheap. I know I'm not cheap. They don't make you feel cheap. How can't you feel cheap? I mean, I get it. Even I'd pick cashmere over a cotton blend any day-- cashmere who "gets" modern art, no less.

That's my vice, I think. I don't "get" modern art. I'm trying. I keep trying, I'll keep trying, though I hardly come close to understanding. They understand. I think I'm the canvas modern art is painted on, and they are the trendy silk curtains hanging in the gallery-- the curtains who hang there and study modern art all day, but I can't see the painting since it's painted on me, painted over my eyes or at an angle that limits my view. Canvas is rough and showcases a subjective experiment. Silk curtains are complimentary and unobtrusive and not necessarily up for aesthetic debate. Who argues about curtains while they're in a modern art gallery anyway?

You don't want to find out what they think about someone who is special to you. I promise, you don't want to know that anyone is special to them the very way that same anyone is special to you. You want to go on in a state of happy ignorance, especially when you've only briefly met your comparison. You want to recall your own memories without someone else's intruding. You don't want to be the first choice, upon which they can look for, and find, improvements. The last shall be first, and the first shall be last.

For once in your life, you want to be picked last.

So don't stalk anyone on facebook. Your remedial math skills might reveal you're not as special as you thought you were. 1 + 1 = 2.