Bodily Thoughts

So I've always had this desire to be thin. I mean, who doesn't want to be thin? Apparently that's what the media is always telling me-- "Be thin! Calista Flockheart is your ideal, otherwise you won't make it in this biz! Bonus point if you're also blonde!" Sure, Tyra is trying to break down stereotypes and change expectations, but it hasn't been cool to be plump since the 19th century when plumpness = money enough to eat well. Incidentally, it was also cool to be pale. Clearly I was born in the wrong century.

The problem is this: I have been "skinny" before. Relatively so, at least, because let's face it-- given my genes and my build, I will never be skinny by Hollywood's standard. But I used to be quite a bit thinner than the average woman's pants size (12) and it was really satisfying to buy pants half that size.

But tell me, ignoring the post-show makeup and slightly-droopy eyes, do I even look like myself in this picture?

Because I'm inclined to say no, I don't even look like myself in this picture. This is when I was at my thinnest in college, post-SPAC, pre-hyperthyroid diognosis. I feel like I look like an alien. I'm a happy alien, apparently, and I don't remember feeling particularly freakish when I was skinny*, but yes. I just look like a really skinny, pale, alien with melted-off makeup. I don't think I want to be this skinny alien.

*Skinny is, of course, a relative term.

For what it's worth, it also makes me equally uncomfortable to see myself like this: I have discomfort seeping from every pore in my body in this picture. True, part of it is the ugly, half-blink face I'm making. This was post-hyperthyroid diagnosis/initial treatment, pre-return to school. Admittedly, I was still within "average" range (ie. exactly a size 12) so why should I even be uncomfortable? I know what a brat I sound like when this is a size many women would love to be, but it's personal for everyone, and (especially since I carry much of my weight in my face) I hope to steer clear from Size 12 Emily. I hate this picture. It's a test of strength to even post it.

What's my point here? My point is that I don't really want to be skinny. I like to eat and I don't like to exercise, and I'm fine about that. I liked it when I went to England and lost weight without trying, but I also like having a little meat on my bones. Given my hesitance to post a Fat Picture, though, I don't like being heavy either. So where does this put me?

I feel like I lucked out a little bit with Little Women this summer. It was a huge confidence booster to be informed that I am castable not only as a teenager, but also in spite of the fact that most of my stage sisters/double are much thinner than me. It would seem that in order to more easily continue to get roles like this, I should be thinner. There was a ring of truth (albeit exaggerated) when a particular teacher of mine mentioned how much easier it would be if I didn't have to worry whether I'd fit into costumes or not.

Really, I guess I should just take a cue from the fact that I continue to be cast in things-- in real roles and not always just in the ensemble. And most of the kinds of roles I want to play are not ingenues anyway-- they're typically the funny, "crazy best friend" roles and usually, funny = not skinny.

Let's take a look at my theatrical idols:

Judy Garland-- not always skinny
Megan Mullally-- not that skinny
Madaline Kahn-- also not always skinny

So obviously it's possible to have the career I'd like to have an not be stick thin. In fact, I think these women are even more beautiful because they're not stick thin (well, I guess Judy was sometimes. She fluctuated a lot. A LOT a lot. She was not naturally stick thin, is my point). But didn't they gain success when they were thinner versions of themselves? They reached a point and started getting roles where it was easier to be a "normal" size and not worry about a few "extra" inches?

And let's be real, supposedly it's easier to snag a boyfriend/husband if you're thin. Beauty does tend to be shallow, no beating around the bush there. I'd be lying if it didn't go both ways, too-- girls tend to prefer fit men over those who are not quite so fit. It's terribly hypocritical of me. I'm a hypocrite on top of being socially overweight. GREAT!

I'm not even sure what kind of conclusion I'm arriving at here. I guess I'm reinforcing any Self Actualization I've done in the last few months and also trying to justify my inconsistent exercise regimine. I could just put any resolutions out to the Universe, but I think I need to be more accountable than that, so here you are blogosphere:

I resolve to reach my goal to lose this pesky pants size by Christmas, and keep it that way.

Additionally, I don't intend to strive to attain my alien face again. I shall remain a nice, happy, not-hungry medium and pleasantly stay there, fulfilling my place as a crazy best friend, both onstage and off. She's everyone's favorite anyway, right?

(And if you're wondering if I posted this picture just to make up for that awful picture of me a few mouse-scrolls up, you wonder right.)