So okay. Last night I stayed up much later than I expected/intended, and I wrote this rather angsty blog while watching the last few episodes of Steve Carell on The Office and how it was giving me legitimate anxiety to watch it-- not because Michael Scott gives me anxiety but because no Michael Scott and a change in the balance of the fictional world of Dunder Mifflin gives me anxiety and also maybe I'm prone to anxiety lately, which is turning out to be a real son of a gun to overcome. This blog post was about facing fears and kind of a cosmic look into What is my Purpose in life? and it's probably a good thing for all of you, dear readers, that I got so annoyed/nervous about my own angst and nerves that I saved but didn't post it.
What kind of place am I in my life where fretting about Michael Scott (or lack there of) is how I project my own Real Life anxiety into an mild-but-hours-long anxiety episode?
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY ANXIETY. My point here is that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, largely about The Point of All This Living. Luckily, I'm blessed enough to know that my life does have purpose. I have a firm belief that the world is not filled with coincidence, we do not live only to die, and that this life is just one step toward achieving a Higher Purpose. How bleak life must be to those who do not believe in an Afterlife or a loving God or Being or Presence that is aware and mindful of little tiny me?
I mean, if that's your belief, more power to you. But for me personally, to think that I am just a bunch of particles living on a big great slab of earth matter and will return to that earth matter without any Purpose-- what's the point? Why try? Why learn? Why contribute or grow or change the world? It is bleak. It is scary and lonesome. It is cynical.
And I guess that's why I'm so nervous all the time lately-- because I'm at a very real crossroads in my life and I'm not sure what direction to go. I know the ultimate end-- to return to a loving Heavenly Father who will welcome me back into His presence-- but how do I get there? What's next? I know the minutia of religious observance-- read the scriptures, pray, be a good person, help other people-- but on a grander scale, what do I do next? I'm not sure. But it's okay. Maybe last night it didn't feel okay, and yesterday morning, and a handful of other times over the last few months it didn't feel okay, but this morning-- right now-- it's okay. And I'm okay.
I know that we are watched and cared for by a God who has provided a way for us to return to Him. I know that there is more to our existence than this life and we are meant to be exalted. I am so glad that this business of families and children and generations isn't meaningless and that we all get to hang out together in heaven forever and ever and ever, and so unspeakably grateful for the living Christ who was resurrected to make our salvation a reality. All this makes this moment in time worth it-- it gives meaning to my uncertainty and discomfort. Even if I don't know what to do with myself now, I know what to do with myself on a higher level, and it makes the struggle worth it.
I know not everyone believes what I do. I'm not stupid enough to be ignorant of that, and I'm not stupid enough to tell other people they're wrong. If you don't believe in God, fine. If you don't believe in an Afterlife, that's also fine. If you don't believe in eternity or divine worth or the institution of marriage or whatever, by all means, that is up to you. But this is what helps me get through the day. It helps me push through this time when I feel like I don't have much purpose in my life except to simply be a daughter of a God who wants me to be happy. It would make me miserable beyond words to think that my marriage is limited, and my capacity for reason and learning has no purpose, and that my talents and interests and abilities are for nothing. I believe it because I can't not believe it. I believe it for my ability to keep living. I believe it because I must.
And you know, when there's a sweet, warm cat snuggled at the end of your bed in the middle of a dark night, who sighs happily when you pet him and then licks your forehead as if to say, It's okay, how can it not be?
I am blessed. I am worthy. I am smart. I am doing my best. I am filled with light.
I am grateful.
Oh and I'm a Mormon. Not a member of a cult! CLICKY CLICKY!
7 comments:
It's hard to blog about these feelings well, but you've done a really great job. Amen.
Geez, I have been in your shoes, lady! Well, not necessarily because of The Office, but the trigger is random and specific for us all. ;)
The struggle, though, is very real and I think something many of us share, believers and non-belivers. I found that my challenges when dealing with many of the questions you've outlined here stemmed from putting a lot of pressure on how I felt I should be living my days on Earth. It wasn't until my world as I knew it was turned a bit upside down that I finally rested in the Lord and brought everything before Him. My fears, my concerns, my lack of faith...humbled and openly unsure before God. My heart aches for those who don't know the peace of submitting to His will, which is a commitment we can never really give up. But there is no more worthy pursuit, in my experience.
I pray He brings you peace and illuminates the life He has in store for you in this brief flash of existence as we know it. :)
Style {this is what I call you in my mind and I figure it is time to share it with you} ~ thank you. I needed this today.
Oh Its just me.. a 17 year Mormon girl who really has no significance in this matter. (In other words this is none of my business) just wanted to thank you for making my day a whole lot brighter. keep spreading the light Honey bee :)
STAMP.
This is so beautifully written. Gorgeous.
Hi Emily. I felt compelled to write to you, based on the following:
"How bleak life must be to those who do not believe in an Afterlife or a loving God or Being or Presence that is aware and mindful of little tiny me?
I mean, if that's your belief, more power to you. But for me personally, to think that I am just a bunch of particles living on a big great slab of earth matter and will return to that earth matter without any Purpose-- what's the point? Why try? Why learn? Why contribute or grow or change the world? It is bleak. It is scary and lonesome. It is cynical."
I assure you that many if not most people who don't believe in the same afterlife that you believe in, or don't believe in a supreme being at all, are not unhappy, anxious, lost, confused, or cynical. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure most of us believe that we have a purpose here on earth, and that purpose is provided by our own desires, our own hopes, dreams, ambitions. Not any that an institution has told us to have. And I find that to be a much more positive and enriched foundation to build my life on.
I enjoy reading your blog, and I enjoy dialogues, so I thought I'd offer my two cents. I understand that you, and many people I care about, prefer, or even feel like they must, believe in a particular "life plan", afterlife, etc. for their own peace of mind. I can also tell you that since I stopped believing in those very things, I have found so much more happiness, hope, optimism, sure-footedness, untainted joy-- anything but bleak or scary. My life is what I want it to be, what I choose to create out of it. I celebrate the present, and feel empowered to create my life's work for my own satisfaction, my fellow human beings, my culture, my loved ones. And that is all. I don't do it to make a supreme being happy, I don't do it to receive an eventual reward, I don't do it because I am supposed to, I do it because that is what I believe in.
I'm not telling you this to say 'My way is better.' I am telling you this so you don't look down on anyone who believes something different than you, and so you don't assume they are lost, bleak, scary, lonesome, or cynical. Anything but.
Love, Laura
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