day 16: a song that makes you cry

Well frankly, I don't feel like talking about crying today, you blog-a-day challenge, because I'm feeling all jumbly inside and maybe I cried during Young Victoria when I watched it with Mel today and then maybe a few more drops squeezed out of my eyes while I was driving back to school-- maybe they did, you don't know, but I know, and by my knowing, you all know, so I guess you know that they did, not even maybe.

But since I don't want to talk about crying, I'd better get this out of the way so that we're done with it. It's not a song, so much as it's a piece of music that makes me cry every time I hear it and that is Valley of the Shadow from Little Women by Thomas Newman when Beth dies. Also, Hand of Fate Part II from Signs by James Newton Howard. Also, Finale from Big Fish by Danny Elfman, or maybe it's just the scene that makes me cry and not necessarily the music all its own by itself.

At any rate, those are my answers.

So here I am at work, not wanting to work, not wanting to go back to my empty house even though it is kind of cozy and I could just work on making that Snuggie of mine with the fabric that reminds me of New Orleans Square at Disneyland which is why I got it. I finished disk 2 of season 3 of The Tudors last night and have to wait a few days for disk 3 to come in the mail. I do have that Wives of Henry VIII book to read, which is just getting really fascinating (Anne is losing favor, Jane is pleading marriage, Henry is very bald, it's all very thrilling), and I guess I could just read that in my office for a while but I've lost interest in that too.

I could reorganize all the clothes in our house. That would keep me busy for a long time.

Boring!

Anyway, all these options are just making me all confused because I'm mildly interested in doing them all but none of them at the same time.

The young man has been away 27 hours and I'm completely falling apart!

(This is where you go "awwwwwwwwwwww!" and then I make a face like "yeah yeah go on.")

Also my phone is acting up and not sending texts.

I want to start working on another show right away, but I'm also liking the idea of free time in the evenings for a while-- except not this free time where I just feel useless and kind of empty.

This is not anyone's fault. This is a learning experience. We're learning, we're learning, we're growing, we're coping.

Seriously though, that scene with Victoria and Albert after they come inside from being in the rain and they just talk.

Sometimes I feel a little bit like since the show has closed, I'm walking this weird social line. I'm not a student here, I've never been a student here, but while I was in the show, it was more like I'm student age and can hang out with students, and in the week the show's been over it's like there's been this little subtle change which I actually kind of wanted, where people treat me less like a student because I'm not a student, at least while we're at school, but it's okay for people to be my friend, even when I'm not a student, which is always, especially when we're not at school. And I guess I could be more proactive about socializing too, but it's weird when people all of a sudden are hanging out in groups and you start to feel like you haven't really been invited or you might be stepping on toes if you find a way to show interest like you'd like to be included too.

This is awkward. I'm awkward. I'm afraid I'm making things awkward.

In some ways I feel like just going to home to embrace that crying thing-- like, making it happen on purpose so we can get it all out of the ol' system and just move on. It's not just separation anxiety, I think it's just been a long time since I had it out with a good cry. It's cathartic, yeah? A good cry? Maybe I'll just throw in Big Fish for the sole purpose of watching that Finale scene, or at least break one a little Brian Doyle who writes so beautifully I could cry just cry and sometimes do.

But I've already written a few entries about essays lately, so I won't bore you with another based around Brian Doyle.

day 15: (not) a fanfic

Today Ames Bell went down to St. George to compete in the Irene Ryan Acting Scholarship whatever as part of the Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival. He'll be gone till Sunday. It's kind of a big deal for him. We had to print out 40 headshots and resumes so that he can also take this big cattle call audition for lots of companies and troupes who might want to hire him. Who wouldn't want to hire him?Of course, this trip means we'll be separated for the first time in almost a year. Like for real-- I have seen this man every day for almost a year. This is also kind of a big deal. I miss him already. Slop slop sob sob okay now I'll act like a grown up.

Also, I went to the doctor today re: the ankle I sprained during Urinetown rehearsals. Luckily, we have found out it truly was just a sprain, not a break or a fracture like I worried it might be, three weeks after it happened. I'm being sent to physical therapy and can look forward to some prescription anti-inflammatory. Of course the next step will be to figure out what's misaligned in my back (probably related to babying my foot for the better part of a month), but that's another story and will likely involve a chiropractor.

But this post is supposed to be about a fanfic. Fanfic? I don't think so. I'm not into fanfic, though I will admit:
1. I used to be (for certain books/movies)
2. My senior paper for my English degree at BYU had to do with fanfic.

Only in the broadest sense. I was researching Sherlock Holmes and how Holmesian culture has inspired pop culture today. (It's widespread, I tell you, but you can read the paper if you're actually interested in knowing more.) Essentially, Holmes fanatics were among the first to find ways of publishing their fan fiction, even while Sir A.C.D. was still alive. Of course, today people publish their various works online and in fanfic journals, and Holmes fans continue to write in the spirit of its creator. In fact, I'm sure there's a recent resurgence in Holmes fan fiction since the new movie was released. Fanfic communities are fascinating for sure. Can get a little weird, but fascinating.

That said, I don't have a fanfic to post or recommend. So. I hope my thoughts about fan fiction communities, however brief, was enlightening.

What I really want to discuss today (again, in brief) is the benefit-- nay, the necessity-- of dating people your own age. It really bugs me when people date other people who are not even really within their same age range. You know when you fill out surveys or you register your iPod or whatever, and you have to tell them how old you are, and it's like, 18-25, 26-32, 33-39-- or whatever. If you are one age and the person of interest is another age that cannot be considered within a reasonable age range, you should not be dating them.

I mean, I'm all about occasionally goofing around, particularly when you know you're goofing around. But when you start to develop any kind of real feelings, a real attachment, get out while you still can. I don't care who you are-- no 18-year old is on the same emotional/spiritual/grammatical level as a 35-year old. That's the bottom line.

And if you find you are exclusively attracted to people who are 10+ years younger than you, it might be time to find a new social circle.

Although I'll hand it to you-- an inappropriate relationship probably makes for great fanfiction. Someone go take An Education as inspiration and set your story at Hogwarts or on a pirate ship or Pemberly. They'd probably publish it at fanfiction.net if you felt so inclined.

day 14: a non-fictional book

Since my post yesterday about a fictional book actually became an ode to non-fiction, and I went a little crazy making some non-fictional recommendations, I think it best to turn Day 14: A Non-fictional Book into

Day 14: A Non-fictional Authoress
Namely, Lady Antonia Fraser

Why are all intelligent British women quite so elegant? Isn't she elegant? Her accent is even more elegant. If you watch the Special Features on the Marie Antoinette dvd, you'll see what I mean. And her writing is so elegant too! You would hope that an elegantly spoken woman would write elegantly as well, but non-fiction can be so difficult to make interesting-- to say nothing of making it elegant-- especially when you have to differentiate between the 919247817263714 Marys, Margarets, Catherines, and Annes who lived in the 16th century. But she manages!

(I bet hers would be a Blog of Note too, but that's beside the point.)

The point is that, if you want to read anything non-fictional/biographical, immediately dig up something this woman is written. Luckily, you won't have a hard time finding something because she's hugely prolific. (She would have to be, being Harold Pinter's widow and all.) About a month ago, I recommended Erik Larson and his various crime-related non-fiction books that read like novels, and I still stick to that, particularly if you're just getting into the field of non-fiction and are overwhelmed, which is understandable. BUT. If you're into anything historical and romantical and royal and dishy, Antonia Fraser is your girl.

This is the book I mentioned yesterday, which I am currently reading:Totally brill, you guys. Instead of writing everything we already know about Henry VIII and his subsequent six ill-fated marriages, she focuses on each woman individually without "the rest of the story" in mind as she writes about them. Of course, almost the first half of the book is dedicated to Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn, but considering Henry was married to Catherine for twenty years before he decided to go all infidel on her A, that makes sense. I'm especially excited to learn about Catherine Parr, because she is awesome, and out-lived the king, and was married like four times. Also her wax figure which hangs out at various castles is just lovely. I saw it at Warwick in August 2008:

Jane, Kitty, Anne of Cleves, and Katherine. Doesn't Kat look like she's just about to open her mouth and say something very stuffy and British with a little chuckle to herself? Doesn't she just? She could make oversized hats with big feathers come back in a big way, I think.

Lady Antonia also wrote this little book which I love just love:
Which book went on to be the sole inspiration for this movie which I also love just love:Forget the fact that real-Antoinette and Kirsten Dunst-Antoinette look nothing alike, the representation of the woman perfectly comes to life off the pages of that biography. It too is elegant, with all kinds of phrases in French (fittingly), and expressed in such a way that you kind of feel like maybe you are living right there in Versailles. Or maybe you just wish you had been living there right there in Versailles (sans revolution). Lady Antonia makes Antoinette very sympathetic, but not obnoxiously so, which is a really nice representation of her, I think. Probably accurate. Who knows.

She's written a total of I don't know how many books. A lot, though. These are among those I plan to read next:

Remember, remember, the fifth of November.

I can't wait to get to the part about du Barry with her red stockings, or at least that's what she wears in the movie of Marie Antoinette and makes me wish I had them too. Let's be honest with ourselves-- the Sun King was pretty good looking, even by today's standards. I wouldn't mind meeting him someday on the other side when I can slap hands with him and ask if he really was the Man in the Iron Mask after all.

I hope this was an adequate day 14: a nonfictional-book recommendation. These should keep you busy for a while, at least. Go. Read. Become elegant.

day 13: a fictional book

There is one book that I have had sitting on the shelf-- or, more recently, next to my bed-- for years now, literally years, that I have not been able to get into.

Ironically, I'm desperate to be into it. Firstly, there's this little thing called Masterpiece Theater which played the recent BBC miniseries based on this book, which miniseries my mom and I spent weeks and weeks following every Sunday night. It was so good, you guys. So gripping and beautifully acted and gorgeously designed...

Secondly, I get into late Victorian/early Modern British literature in a big way. This novel sits right on the fence of that era, which is so interesting in its own way from a literary historical perspective which I, of course, love because I am nerdtastique. This is a would-be perfect fit.

Thirdly, I've wanted to read the thing for so long that you would expect me to have just hunkered down to plow through it (so to speak, since it's a pretty long book so I'm not sure how much plowing could actually be done). This is not the case, however. I think I know why.

I don't like fiction anymore.

WHAT!, you say, WHAT?!! Well, it's true. I even have a hard time getting very far into Little Women or Emily of New Moon-- it's better lately to just read parts of it.

GASP!, you gasp, GASP!?!! Well I know, right?

I've been spoiled by The Essay. I have been spoiled by non-fiction and the very many interesting real-life things that have and are happening, that it's been hard for me to just let go and read about something not-real. That's not to say I don't read any fiction at all. But the fiction to non-fiction ratio is highly imbalanced and again, it's because I've been spoiled by The Essay.

In fact, here's a link to a very interesting website where you can find just hundreds and hundreds of delightful essays. I recommend (as I always do) A. A. Milne and W. N. P. Barbellion and maybe a bit of G. K. Chesterton. I apparently have a fondness for essayists who publish their works with initials instead of their names. Vernon Lee is also just wonderful and very funny. Also William Hazlitt, who is a cynical as you can get in the most amusing way, and his BFF Charles Lamb, who wrote possibly the most breathtaking and achingly beautiful essay of them all called Dream Children:A reverie. Read it.

Read it now.

Stop reading this and go read that.










Okay well hopefully you've read that by now and so you'll come back to this, inspired. Not by me, by Chuck Lamb. He's inspiring, I am not. If he had a blog, his would be a Blog of Note.

So my point is-- Dream Children: A reverie is part of the reason why I just have a hard time getting into fictional books like The Forsythe Saga, no matter how hard I want to read them. It.

There's also the little problem of Antonia Fraser, who writes biographies of people like Marie Antoinette. I'm currently plowing through (for real, I am) her Wives of Henry VIII, which is fitting since Henry VIII's death day was just recently. Her books are so riveting and interesting that why would I want to read a fictional book about Kitty Howard and her cheating on the big fatty King of England with a gross injured leg, when I could just read the facts? The straight facts? The cold, hard, dishy facts??

I'll make The Forsythe Saga my summer reading. And if I don't finish it this summer, then I'll make it next year's fall break reading. And if that doesn't happen, I know I'll have a lot of time during Christmas break to finish it. Someday.

i have a confession

I really want to be named a Blog of Note by blogger.com.

What do I have to do to be named a Blog of Note by blogger.com?

And does it make me selfish to want to be named a Blog of Note by blogger.com?

This is Urinetown

I'm taking a break from blog-a-day to comment on the project which has been mentioned recently, which our cast has spent the last 4+ working on.

Urinetown the Musical

Granted, I haven't blog-a-day'ed in a few days anyway due to reasons which I'll get to in a few lines, but suffice it to say, Urinetown has been the best and probably most difficult show process I've ever been a part of-- which is why it's lucky that it was unequivocally also the most rewarding.

This is a show that I wasn't even sure I should audition for, it being a UVU student production, and me not being a UVU student or even a student of any kind (with a degree already hair toss cigarette tap). I auditioned anyway, hoping to work with Dave Tinney and Jeremy Showgren again, as well as hoping to finally have a chance to work with Ames, having been skunked on every attempt to work together since we met. I was called back, but around noon on the day of call backs, I started throwing up more than I have ever in my life, and wasn't able to even drag my sorry self out of bed enough to show my face. I was disappointed, but figured it would, as ever, turn out for the best.

And it did, since Ames was cast as the narrator-cop, and I was cast in a supporting role, Little Becky Two-Shoes, the pregnant, smoking, jump-roping-and-singing rebel who actually wore a black shoe and a red shoe (and awesome/ripped up fishnet stockings) by the time we got to performances.

I've already posted this picture. I invite you to look at it again.

This was a turning point for me as a performer in the last year or so. I'll be honest-- it was an incredibly difficult year, having come off of nine shows in one year (with relatively decent roles, I'll just be honest), to not being cast in anything I auditioned for. First of all, the audition itself was an achievement for me, and I left feeling like part of me had been restored, regardless of how the cast might turn out. Throughout the rehearsal process, I re-secured a lot of the insecurities I had developed about my voice and what I'm basically capable of.

WARNING: I get that this is going to sound like me feeling like I'm awesome. That is not how I feel. This is merely an expression of how my opinions of myself and recognition of my abilities has changed and improved.

Though my part wasn't hugely important-- I was no Bobby Strong, that's for true-- it was important to me to feel comfortable and settled and like I was able to achieve some kind of real character development. Particularly once we got into performances, I really feel like I had accomplished that, even if it was for no one but myself. I got to sing this crazy kick-ah song called "Snuff the Girl" with my friend Jacob, without whom I'm sure I couldn't have reached certain places in my performance. Look how awesome he looked in this show, you guys.
He had one of the best costumes in the whole show. Actually all the costumes in this show were phenomenal, and we were so filthy with stage dirt, all the time. And sorry ladies-- Jake is totally off the market!

Our opening weekend was a dream come true, with the attendance of 400 screaming high school students for two nights, who were participants at this year's Utah Theatre Association conference, which was held at UVU. It was definitely surreal, and set a standard for us as a cast which may or may not have been realistic... But for real, the show was consistently brilliant. We consistently had compliments comparing us to the original and national touring casts. People thought this was the best college theater performance they had seen in Utah, if not ever. I have never been more excited or proud to be a part of a show.

Let me take a moment to tell you about my friend Ashley, who played Penelope Pennywise for her senior project this year.

Doesn't she look like a crazy hot 1930's post-apocalypse Ursula from The Little Mermaid? Yes. HOT.

Ashley was stage managing UVU's Something Wicked This Way Comes when we started rehearsing Urinetown and popped into the process like a rock star about a month later. She was really able to reach some very interesting and emotional places as the one time lover of Caldwell B. Cladwell. She was awesome. Really gross and nasty and sympathetic and tender and sad and funny, all at the same time, with a tearing voice, you guys. She became my friend, which I was really excited about because everyone wants to be her friend and not everyone gets to be.

This past Wednesday, Ashley was hurt during Act I of our performance and had to be taken to the hospital. She's the kind of girl whose head could fall off in the middle of a show and she'd be like, "Oh could someone get that? I have to go sing now," and she'd run onstage for her cue-- so this was kind of a really big deal for her, and for us as a cast. We were told we wouldn't be able to continue the show that night, and with inexpressibly heavy hearts, we packed up our bags and left.

This is where my story gets particularly interesting for me, and potentially braggy from the perspectives of others. This is not my purpose.

Our director Dave told me that night to go home and review the role of Ms. Pennywise, and to meet in his office 9am Thursday morning, so we could rehearse the show just in case. Friend Aubrey in the ensemble (with a killer voice, I'll have you know) was also asked to come so she could learn Little Becky Two-Shoes. We rehearsed for a number of hours Thursday, and by Thursday night, we went on to do the show.

Note how I am in no way crazy hot 1930's post-apocalypse Ursula. Note the script in my hand (which maybe was hidden onstage with me sometimes, you don't know maybe it was). Note how nervous I look. Note all of these things.

And here's the thing: WE DID IT, you guys. We didn't just walk through and do it, we did it. Hell and high water came, and we did it. It was the most nerve-wracking experience of my life. Admittedly, I had a little come-apart around 5:15 PM when I realized, Oh my hell, I have to do this. This is happening. You know, maybe it wasn't the best performance we'd had up till that point. Let's be honest-- Pennywise wasn't as hard-A as she's been for the last four months, and maybe she dropped a line or two. But let me toot my own horn and say, having gone out there to perform some parts of the show that I hadn't even rehearsed before, I did a good job, dammit. The show came together. It was a true testament to the power and mind-set of theater people when the show must go on.

I had some incredibly supportive people in the audience that night, and for the rest of the run, and so many texts and tweets and hugs and love-squeezes on my arm. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am to everyone in the whole process who helped Aubrey and me manage to give some pretty great performances, all things considered. Chase and Chase were my right and left arms for that and all the rest of our performances. Katie Sue talked me off some emotional cliffs in the dressing room and I bet she didn't even know it. Jordan and Jordan and Kelly were my cheerleaders, and PHIL, and everyone in the cast for being nice and supportive and helping me take this on in the midst of a real loss. And Ames, who didn't even let me have the option to fail even for one single second. Jeremy made sure I was all set to go if I needed music rehearsal, and Dave was the single greatest vote of confidence I have ever had in my life, on so many levels. He trusted me to somehow take this already hugely successful show and keep that bar raised to the standard of expectation audiences had become used to. He trusted me to take a role that had already been established and committed and wonderful, and make the show not suck without Ashley. I have never been so scared or honored in my life.

We approached the character from a very different perspective, mostly because there would be no way I could gather the strength and depth Ashley had developed over four months. Dave stuck an enormous wad of gum in my mouth for the entire show, and we approached it like Urinetown starring Anne Baxter as Ms. Pennywise. By closing night, I was running around the stage (when directed, of course) like Gone with the Wind. And you know-- by closing night, I was having fun, you guys. That show was damn fun. And I think it's okay to admit to myself: I did a good job. And that's okay.

It was a lesson to myself about myself and what I, myself, am capable of. Do you know what I'm capable of?
- I'm capable of pulling a solid performance out from somewhere hidden.
- I'm capable of pretending like I'm confident and commanding a stage, even when I'm falling apart inside.
- I'm capable of setting goals, no matter how small, and achieving them.
- I'm capable of holding it together when people make me feel guilty for doing well, and knowing that job done well is not the same as a job done better.
- I'm capable of belting a high G.
- I'm capable of balancing the thrill of accomplishing well something difficult with the recognition of the disappointing and sad events that got me there.

Bottom line? I'm so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who literally made this show possible for me-- for all the past experiences I had, for the process of rehearsing and the closeness of the company, for Ash who established such an incredibly grounded character that it was possible to easily and quickly take something from that strength.

And on a final note, let me introduce you to my bruises, which prove to the world what a LEGIT dance show this really was. This is the most color my legs have probably ever had, being pasty and white.

right leg left leg

It was a magical experience to be a part of something so important and thrilling. I LOVE YOU ALL.