Summer of Self(ies)

I've had a hard time recognizing myself lately. Just generally-- I have oozed with WHO AM I.

I haven't really known myself lately.

It's safe to say I've had a big year. Big changes, big ups and downs, big successes, and what feels like equally big failures.

(I know I haven't actually failed, it's just colored that way sometimes.)

It's pretty confusing, if I'm being honest.

I feel all of the feelings all at the same time, just swirling around inside me all at once. It's taught me a lot about feelings, actually. How all feelings are valid, and they stem from each other, and how it's so very possible to feel acutely elated and flat lined all at once. My heart chakra can hardly deal.

It's manifested a lot to me personally in my face.

I don't recognize myself.

I mean, objectively I do. I know I'm me when I look in a mirror.

But I just don't look how I've always thought I do. Or how I've always felt? Or I don't look the way I expect to, is probably most accurate.

Especially because it's been a big year.

I should look more sad, or angry, or tired, or old (I'm almost 30!?), or numb, or whatever it is-- but I shouldn't look like THAT to myself because what I look like mostly is just happy.

Happy and beautiful and self-actualized and grounded and brighter than I suppose I have any right to be.

I don't know if I look like that to other people. It doesn't really matter. I've just had the pleasantest time getting to know myself and see ME the way I am.

So I started an experiment.

Starting the April 27, I started taking pictures of myself when I felt happy or pretty or calm or confident or anything that, by social ridiculous standards, I wasn't supposed to feel yet. I had no intention of doing anything with them at the time except to have them handy when I needed to prove to me personally, "HEY. YOU WERE ELATED IN THIS MOMENT."

Or confident or pretty or calm or anything, really.

Selfies, OK????

A lot of frigging selfies.

Selfies on purpose, selfies for insta, selfies saved from snap chat (thanks for snapping with me everyone-- you've been a tremendous help!).

Hey self, you have really good hair today.

Hey, this skirt has next looked better.

Hey, your eyelashes are really long.

Hey, your lipstick is great.

Hey, people think you're really funny. 

Hey, you saved that cat and she had a great life because of you.

Hey, you have a lot of friends.

Hey, people want to date you.

Hey, you have a chance to help others.

Hey, the stars are really bright tonight.

Hey--

There has been so much momentum.

And I have-- I have used those pictures as a pep talk to myself because hello, IT HAS BEEN A BIG YEAR and sometimes I need to physically remind myself of my worth.

(And now is as good a time as any to also acknowledge those others who have reminded me of it too, even though it's kind of embarrassing to me because being vulnerable is hard but I have a picture of that too because hey, I can do hard things!!

You lovely, dear, perfect people know who you are-- especially three of you. Thank you thank you thank you. Please let me take a photo of us together to add to my album.)

The best part has been, however, how the photos have changed for me. I started quite shallow, as I think these things require, but also because I have had moments were I just couldn't recognize all the pieces of my face together in one whole. It didn't look like me all together, but those eyes did, and sometimes the mouth, and usually the nose, so THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE, SELF.

But it progressed quite naturally into feelings and learning who I am, what I look like, when I feel a thing-- even a sad or depressed or confused or lost thing (and there are plenty of those).

And has recently become much more about what I offer as a person, where i come from, WHO I come from, where I'm going, without much emphasis on the look at all except that I'm one cohesive package.

Selfies have changed me.

What had the capacity to become an obsessive, shallow bad habit has proved to myself that I have worth and value and much to offer at the most fundamental level-- most especially a lot to offer myself and not anyone else.

I recognize who I am.

I know me.