aiming to self-actualize

"Authenticity requires a certain measure of vulnerability, transparency, and integrity."

-- Janet Louise Stephenson

I started reading The Princess Diaries around the time the movie came out. I read them through college. It's a whole series, really quite charming (more charming than the movie, though I love the movie and it's terrible sequel), focused on an ordinary girl finding herself in extraordinary circumstances and trying to self-actualize through it all.

The idea of self-actualizing has stuck with me. It's always been my goal. To me, it means more than simply becoming the best I can be. To me, it means becoming the best I am meant to be.

As I've gotten older, I realize all my ideas and ideals tied into becoming self-actualized really have to do with becoming an authentic self. Recognize your truth and live it. Be nice to people. Don't lie, especially not to get ahead. Accept yourself and others.

I love the quote at the top of this post, outlining the ingredients of authenticity. I like that there are three simple steps. It's not all that hard. As a society, we tend to seek "simple" foods, "simple" toiletries because it means they're more pure. Three simple steps to becoming purely authentic. I'll take it.

I feel like I'm a pretty vulnerable person. My personality combined with my job (where people decide for me how much I deserve to earn) and my career (which is subjective and expects people to have opinions about my talent or even myself as a person based on whether or not they like a performance) puts me out there pretty regularly. I try to be approachable and open honest lines of communication. I allow myself to be vulnerable.

Integrity has been an interesting journey for me. I have, in my past, been wont to lie for reasons that don't particularly matter. I've been caught. I've been treated for and am working on my impulsiveness that has lead me to behave in ways that aren't flattering. I've had to learn what integrity really means, to me and to others. In my work, it involves not stealing money. In my profession, it involves being true to the character I am playing-- not playing for laughs, not acting outside the realm of the role's reality. I have worked to define and live with integrity.

Lately, I've been overwhelmed with the need to add the last part of authenticity to my life. I seek to be transparent.

I don't mean vapid. I don't want to get away with things and then shrug my shoulders because at least I'm owning it. I mean, I guess that's part of it-- to own my life, to own my choices, to accept them as mine and not blame others. But I don't want to be insensitive or obnoxious about it.

What I mean is, I don't want to talk about people behind their backs. I don't want to be talked about. I don't want to say things to others that I wouldn't say to the person involved. I don't want to talk about how I know that he knows that I said something that he thinks is terrible so he told someone else about what I maybe did but he doesn't want me to know that he knows or that he told but meanwhile someone tells me he knows and told but please don't tell him I know that he knows because this other person also knows.

Are you kidding?

I'm not kidding.

I seem to find myself in the middle of these situations a lot lately. Maybe it's the culture I'm a part of. The subjective nature of my business and the needful presence of critics opens the door for people to kind of just say whatever they think without consequence. I'm a part of it too. I hate it, but I know I am. And I feel awful for participating.

But what I guess I mean to say is, I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I don't want to be a part of lying. I don't want to protect people who lie. I don't want to put words in peoples' mouths and I don't want to have words put into my mouth.

I don't want people to think I'm going to judge them. That I am judging them.

I struggle most of all with the knowledge that people think I'm going to judge them. I see myself as a very open, trusting person. I'm pretty good at recognizing my own mistakes and don't blame others for making mistakes of their own. It is not up to me to judge someone for a mistake or choice or lifestyle or opinion. I don't care if our mistakes or choices or lifestyles or opinions differ.

Bottom line: I feel like people are slipping away from me and I hate it. Maybe it's just another one of those times in life where I come to a crossroads and the most important people stay and the less important people go another direction and it's just part of life. Maybe we're there. I don't feel like there's been any particularly earth-shattering, life changing events in my life that would force me to such a crossroads, but maybe I'm there and I just need to face that.

But I want to change myself in the meantime.

I don't want to have to defend myself and defend the fact that I'm a nice, understanding, communicative person. How nice, understanding or communicative can I possibly be if I'm defensive about it?

I want to be considered honest but kind. I want to be considered a good friend. I want people to feel like they can talk to me without judgement.

I don't want people to assume I'm not going to like them for a choice they've made-- but never talk to me about it.

I don't want people to tell other people that I hate them-- when I've never talked to them about it.

I don't want people to assume I look down on them for making choices I choose not to make and jump to conclusions-- without having ever told me about their new life or choices or ideals.

I don't want to shock people with ideas or opinions that I consider to be honest but they consider to be rude. It's weird to me that I seem to shock people, because I really feel like I'm just being honest but somehow things misfire and there's a web of misunderstanding that we're all caught in until suddenly it's fixed and we're friends again. I don't want to cause misunderstanding. I want to avoid people's aversions to me, causing them to require some space before coming to understand what I meant in the first place and then we go along as if nothing happened. I need to address that things have happened. I need to fix it. I need to suck the poison from my life before it becomes poison.

I'm going to try really hard to stop shooting my mouth off. I'm going to try really hard to address a problem immediately before it snowballs into something it never should have been. I'm going to stop finding myself in the middle of other peoples' problems. I'm going to smile more. I'm going to tell people nice things more frequently. I'm going to be thoughtful and go straight to the source when there's a problem.

An arrow has to be pulled back before it can shoot forward.

I'm finished pulling myself back.

I'm finished being inauthentic to anyone, especially myself.