i miss my sanguine eyes

I am 26 years old. I was going to write on my birthday as I have in the past, but I haven't felt like myself lately. That word-- lately-- is relative. To be more specific, I haven't really felt like myself for the last 18 months or so. I have had glimpses of myself that remind me who I am-- remind me who I want to be, and what it is to feel happy, centered, and whole.

That week last summer after I recovered from the sinus infection of doom, so blissful and performing in a ridiculously fun role and grateful to know what it is to be grateful...

Christmas morning, with all my handmade Christmas presents...

That performance of Crazy for You in the middle of the run when I could have kept tap dancing for 20 minutes. And that other performance of Crazy for You when I realized the good things about me that would be great on television...

When I had lost 3" from my waist and dyed my hair blonde and marched around Boston, MA with Ames and my parents, looking at all the historical things I love about America and laughing about our kitty Jenna...

Little flecks of memory that flash by and I can take a deep breath and just be for a second.

All at once, though, I've felt so sad, like I'm losing parts of myself. Maybe it's getting older, maybe it's becoming more hardened to "life," maybe it's feeling like I "should be" doing/creating/being much more than I am. I laugh a lot, but not the same. I don't feel so smart as I maybe used to be. I actually care about my shrunken bank account.

I don't listen to music anymore.

I used to listen to music constantly. I used to love finding new bands, learning the words to entire Rocket Summer albums, going to concerns, falling asleep with Jared Leto in my ears, allowing my heart to soar with film scores. Music is spiritual and it speaks to me.

I think my spirit has just been too jumbled and exhausted to be exercised by music.

Music has become much more technical. I practice singing. I study voices and technique and vocal tricks. I buy albums of artists I love because they're by artist I have loved. Anything more requires too much investment, too much freedom, too much vulnerability.

This morning I finally got around to having a listen to Mumford & Sons' Babel. So much hype was a turn-off for me. My brain and heart can't seem to handle so much texture in music-- I need clean, simple sounds that kind of disappear behind more pressing matters like procedure manuals and timecards. No time or energy to spend time on something new and different and exciting.

So unexpectedly, my soul was tired enough to be stirred.

In the midst of questioning (yet again) my professional ambitions; weighing my educational, financial, and work responsibilities; throwing myself into the most deeply emotional role I've ever played; trying to keep it all together and become centered-- I felt awake.

And happy.

And relieved.

I think sometimes we are able to embrace our own best potential when we maybe just have no other choice. I need this level of spiritual wellness. It is vital to me. How have I forgotten it?












I'm starving for music, new or old. What are some of your favorites? All suggestions welcome.