day 3 - back up off of that cray-cray

Okay so maybe I really was a crazy person yesterday afternoon. You've got to understand, I had this crazy headache on the very top of my head and I was having a little food-related come-apart. For my theater-going friends, you know "The Bride's Lament" in The Drowsy Chaperone where Janet is singing about the monkey and then has a nervous breakdown and everyone in the cast has monkey faces and they're all dancing around her? That's what my afternoon was like, only it was food dancing around me-- nachos and PB&J and an especially cruel spicy tuna roll.

I hopped on the fruit juice train last night though, and feel much better about life. Ames and I (finally) saw Crazy, Stupid, Love to distract ourselves, and then I actually kind of fell asleep before 10:30! I slept great last night, and while I didn't get up in time to "get ready" this morning, I see the potential is there and I'm excited. I hope to get dressed with purpose each day next week.

The somewhat swift turn around from leading the Cuckoo Parade to a real feeling of mellow calmness kind of startled me. It made me take a cold, hard look at the fact that I am simply addicted to food. In the midst of it, all I could think about was changing my goal, replanning the next 30 days to include breaks, literal worrying about how I could possibly be social without involving Applebees or whatever.

Whoa, self. This crazy is not an attractive color on you. Step away from the hysteria.

But really. All I could do was weigh what food items I wanted to eat more-- what I was willing to "cheat" with. I've developed a very strange dependence that is definitely not okay. Sure, most of my eating revolves around social events, but how frequently do I run to the warehouse for work or to the bank or any number of errands and decide between a snack from Wendy's, Taco Bell, or the Target food court (soft pretzel combo $2 please hollaaaaaa!)? This unhealthy relationship with food and eating is what needs to be detoxed right now, so much more than my weight does. Even now, with a much clearer head, I feel generally like I'm never going to eat again. And that fills me with a hint of woe.

We're going to work seriously on that over the next few weeks. Yeesh.

I can't say that my body feels great as a result of this fast, but I can say I've become notably less pessimistic in the last few days. Is that the detox or is it a (somewhat) willing resignation to the things I can't control in my life (namely, work trips)? I'm not sure. Maybe a bit of both. But I'll take it. I'll let the poisonous attitude drain out of me with the non-digestible, foreign matter from my diet.

Last night's juice: 1 pear, 1 apple, 1 cup blueberries, 1/2 lb grapes. DELICIOUS = $4.91.

This morning's happy: 1 pear, 1 apple, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1/2 pineapple. TASTY = $4.72

Day 3 - 159.8 lbs