Of desperation

When I walked into my house this afternoon, I smelled a bad smell. At first I was worried it was something like the sewer or rotting foundation or something gross and financially inconvenient, but no. No no, I think this stink is something a little more familiar, a little more dire.

It is the sorry smell of desperation.

The very word just ooooooooooozes pity and self-defacing and makes me flinch and recoil. Try saying it different ways. Desperaaaaaaaaation. Despera-see-yon, like the French. Try flipping the R. No matter how you say it, the bottom line is that desperation is the active form of despair, the act of despairing, the physicalization of despair.

Despair.

De spair.

Des pair.

Desp air.

I don't feel very desperate. I do not feel like I am actively despairing. Certain friends of mine will know of my propensity for reacting somewhat dramatically to various events in my life--shocking, I know. But I mean really, I'm not a mopey, sad, emo kid, even if my favorite band is something as musically insignificant as The Rocket Summer. So sometimes I wear 80 black plastic bangles on my wrist, and paint my fingernails black and navy blue, and I like a man in guy-liner! These are NOT cries for attention!!

Maybe what is a cry for attention, however, is my current facebook status: Emily braucht ein Kuessen. Jetzt. Jetzt jetzt jetzt. Or in English: Emily needs a kissing. Now. Now now now.

Now I know some people like to get all mystical and vague and "insert deeper meaning here" with their facebook stati, but not me. When I say I want a Kuessen, I mean I want a Kuessen. I want someone to pop on Facebook chat (which is actually making me despair at the moment, as it is slow and kicks me/my friends off every 4.5 seconds) and say something like, "Casual kissing? No attachments, just a few minutes of carnal-but-chaste indulgance to take the edge off? When can I come over?"

Normal people, or in other words, those who are not filled with despair, do not make blatant, desperate Facebook attempts to secure a NCMO. I guess I should cheer myself with recognition of the fact that I would not necessarily accept propositions from just anyone, despite my obvious desperation, so clearly I'm not that desperate. Also I'm not anxious to justify myself. Clearly.

I could name you at least six people with whom I'd make out with, no questions asked. I'm not going to tell you who they are. Maybe that will leave you desperately wanting to know more. Or maybe not.

Don't worry. My desperation is not limited to kissing, lest you think that's what this whole post is about. Please. I'm not so desperate as to focus all my desperate attention on one single area and I know how to multi-task, thank you very much. I'm also desperate for things like approval, to be considered for various roles in various shows, a money tree, a new wardrobe, a Diet Coke. Were it so easy to be simply desperate for one single thing, but I'm increasingly convinced that's not really possible. When you allow yourself to be overcome with overwhelming need for a thing, it easily becomes two things, and then three and four things, and pretty soon you're able to list all of these things you're just craving to get, like your insides are all boiling and you're starting to feel shaky and your eyes are crossing.

Desperation in it's most foul, most pathetic form is not limited to public pleas for kissing. You might be desperate to impress someone, desperate to avoid something uncomfortable, desperate to live up to the standard that's been created for you by others or yourself, desperate to get out, desperate to get in, desperate to convince a person you're worth the chance, desperate to shake the unyielding attentions of someone who's desperate for you in their own way. I feel like I'm surrounded by all this desperation, all this metaphorical scrambling and scratching and crawling...

WHY do we feel the NEED to IMPRESS each other so MUCH!!

acute, atrocious, audacious, climacteric, critical, crucial, dangerous, despairing, despondent, dire, drastic, extreme, fierce forlorn, frantic, furious, futile, headlong, heinous, hopeless, incurable, irretrievable, lost, monstrous, outrageous, precipitate, rash, reckless, remediless, terrible, urgent, vain, vehement, violent

Don't mind me. I'll just curl up on the floor in a necessary fetal position, rock back and forth a little, and concentrate on the desperation that surrounds me, this stink-pot of desperation where everyone parades around with smiles like everything is fine, even though on the inside everyone has frizzy hair and their toes poke through their worn-out sneakers and everyone is screaming like, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Do you hear circus music playing? I feel like I'm in a Tim Burton nightmare. And there's no one for me to kiss anyway.