A review I'd never send

Okay. Honestly, where do I begin? You’ve frustrated me all semester as you’ve managed to irritate, patronize, nearly insult, and absolutely intrigue me all at once. You’re a regular Mr. Darcy and as I’m sure you can imagine, girls do not like having a Darcy in their lives because we all know how that story turns out in the end. It’s much more comfortable to go on at odds with someone who makes you feel goaded than it is to buck it up and admit to yourself that you’re semi-attracted to them, on whatever level.

To be frank, your writing tends to induce in me the same reactions our interactions do. Generally speaking, I walk away feeling itchy and like I want to shake my fist at you, partially because there are some really great, well-constructed things going on that I truly appreciate, and partially because you have the capacity to come off as pretentious, self-indulgent, and ostentatious. You are an anomaly to me.

You're well-spoken. You have an impressive vocabulary and you carry yourself well, both in person and on the page. I acknowledge the subjectiveness of art, and that's how I've managed to keep myself under control now and then throughout the semester when all I've wanted to do was reach across the classroom, latch my hands around your neck, and shake vigorously. Unfortunately, I'm sure I only wanted to strangle you more when you looked especially nice in class that day. Whatevuh.

I think something that frustrates me about your writing-- and this fiction piece in particular-- is the fact that I recognize similarities in our styles, tastes, and habits. For example, I am a comma whore. I sprinkle commas throughout my writing, especially when I'm writing prose, and I'm afraid most of my interjections set off by commas are confusing and relatively unnecessary. I noticed this in your piece. Breaking up these lengthy sentences and varying the sentence structure would be beneficial, I think.

Something that severely bothered me was your grand total of six paragraphs in a 14-page piece of fiction. It was slowly killing me. I felt like I was suffocating. I'm begging you-- break up your story into paragraphs. It makes it more managable, and playing with specific breaks in paragraphs can really emphasize points effectively.

Your careful use of profanity was really attractive. I cannot tell a lie.

There were three very obvious parts to your piece: Jack's parents' history and his childhood; Nam; and post-Nam New York. I would have liked to have seen these three sections flow more easily one to another. As it stands, I feel a little bit like I read three different stories about the same guy that didn't relate as well as I know they were intended to. I think the exposition about Jack's parents was a little too lengthy-- I was really interested in Jack once we "finally" got around to his story, and seeing as he was the main character, I think there was too much said about his parents. It made it confusing for me at first who was going to be the main character.

Another misleading element was the phrase "Jack's third tour in Vietnam would prove to be his last." That to me indicates that he's going to die in Vietnam, and at that point in the story I'm not invested enough in his character to want to keep reading. Be careful to really say what you mean. Semantics is a slippery subject, but very important to consider!

Watch yourself that you don't use the same phrase or word too often, particularly not twice in a paragraph unless you're absolutely certain you mean to say it. Example: "rest of his days." It's cliche anyway. Come on. You can do better than that! Speaking of language, I wasn't entirely sure how to read your piece. The use of "you" indicated a conversational, familiar tone, but other times it felt more formal. I think I wanted to be more removed from the story so I could see the action and not just be informed what was going on.

Don't get me wrong. You had some very lovely work going on in this piece too. Some of your imagery was extremely vivid and sensory. You description of Cracker after his death, for example, was gorgeous and revolting (again with your contrary nature!!). It was a well thought-out piece, and had some heartbreaking moments (like selling his father's farm). When you were sensory, boy howdy were you sensory. I looooooooooooooooooooooooved the use of Gershwin's lyrics in the rising action. It really helped to set the pace of the story, and added to the frantic, chaotic nature of the moment. It was also effective irony that I very much appreciated.

I think what ends up frustrating me the most is the fact that it's already good and I want it to be just that much better. You obviously have the talent and capability to churn out some really impressive stuff, and you're certainly not lacking in creativity. You have a tendancy to project your emotions as very precious in your writing, but your writing is best when it's raw, and gory, and hard to swallow. I definitely think this story has the potential to be developed into a longer, more detailed narrative. I'm quite sure most of the critique I dish out is as specific as it is because I see it in my own writing too.

I'm not a hatemonger. In some, deep-down sort of way, I hope my frustration has been somewhat mutual. I truly do value your opinions and comments (even if they can be way off the mark-- but hey, at least you prove your ability to commit to an interpretation, and that's admirable too), and have always looked forward to hearing what you had to say all semester. Maybe it's because I tend to be outspoken myself, but yours is among the few opinions I've actually been curious to hear whenever I've written something for workshop. I can't help but be suspicious that my sentiments are returned.

Go ahead. Look up my number on stalkernet. Assuming I can ovecome this prideful prejudice I've conjured all semester, and you can set aside any aloof, uppity attitude you project, I think we'd actually get along. Care to prove me wrong?