Deep thoughts

I've been struggling to find words to express my thoughts and feelings in the last few days. I figure I'll try that stream-of-consciousness exercise where you just sit down and start writing. It may result in a disjointed blog entry, but sometimes it's surprising how you can be your own worst editor by letting yourself think too much.

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I tend to think I'm a pretty secure person. I mean, of course I've got my self-doubts the way anyone does, but when it comes down to it, I'm very happy to be me, warts and all. I guess I've had a lot of time in the last year or so to be introspective, and maybe I'm looking at my life through rose-colored glasses to an extent. I know I've not always been so secure with myself, but I don't really remember a lot of growing pains.

I don't know. I guess my biggest point is that I've come to realize that I have faults, I make choices for myself that others don't for themselves, and for the very most part, I own those aspects of me that are not perhaps ideal. I acknowledge them (albeit sometimes hesitantly), sometimes embrace them. I'm not afraid of them. And I'm so much happier having come to terms with myself and what I stand for.

So I have a hard time sympathizing or even just relating to people who don't feel like they can be or even simply talk about themselves openly with people. I mean sure, we all have those things in our pasts--or even our presents--that may not be high on the list of things to advertise to the world. Skeletons in the closet, social/cultural faux pas, etc. etc. Hey, I can appreciate that as much as anyone. I guess it just comes down to being willing to be honest about yourself with yourself, and thereby with other people.

It's ridiculous to me when I find people who are deceiving others needlessly. I say deceiving because it's not so much lying as it is simply misleading. When a person is unsure of their own decisions, I suppose it's natural to want to try to cover up certain actions until they are 100% ready to commit to a lifestyle or practice. But why try to disguise it, especially when you regularly associate with people who know first hand who or what you're involved with? And who are in a position to answer questions of close, curious observers?

My heart hurts for people who haven't come to terms with themselves enough to be completely honest. Truly, when a person makes choices that might contradict what I stand for personally, as long as they live it and love it, I find I have so much more respect for them. That doesn't mean they're going to change my opinions on their lifestyle, and if plainly asked what I think, I'll plainly tell them. I learned from a very early age, however, to live and get along well with diverse people. I think a part of me thrives on diversity.

If you're living a certain way, or even if you're thinking about living a certain way, do it. Be it. Own it. Don't sneak around about it. Especially with people you're close to who are going to find out anyway. Who have found out anyway!

I sound really unsympathetic and frustrated and impatient. Maybe I am. What am I saying? Of course I'm frustrated. I'm just at a loss-- as to what to say, what to do, what to think. Their own insecurities do not change my feelings for people in my life whom I really quite adore. It just makes me sigh with sadness.