happy batman day

Years ago, it dawned on me that Valentine's day is basically insipid, thereby a completely innocuous reason to get down on life just because I didn't have Someone to hold. Single Awareness Day is far less innocuous because Valentine's day doesn't have to be about romantic-love, it can just be about love-love, and it's sad if it's just all about romantic-love when there are so many people to love-love. I mean, that's why we built those boxes in elementary school year after year and dropped in NSYNC and Barbie valentines that say things like "You rock, Valentine!" and "Friends are forever!"

See? Insipid.

In an effort to shift gears and focus on something that seemed equally meaningless, Batman Day was born. I don't even recall why, though it did have something to do with my friend Jacqs and the fact that we sent each other the same Valentine in the mail.

And so, while Ames and I spend a romantic evening rehearsing this play about friendship and the love of other human beings, I hope you have a very

HAPPY BATMAN DAY

tech week papercut

Have you ever had a papercut in the bend of your finger, right where your finger becomes your hand so it's difficult and painful to bend? Have you had a papercut in the bend of your middle finger, right where your finger becomes your hand so it's difficult and painful to bend so you kind of wind up flipping everything off for a few hours?

Welcome to my world.

It could be worse. I could have a sliver right in the bend of my middle finger, and it would be because of the raddest stage set I've ever had the pleasure of walking and dancing and tromping across. But it's also filled with slivers because it is made of rough old wood that came from a big old barn that the theater bought and then tore down in order to make a raked stage that looks like this:Please also note my shoes, which are a cross between Felicity Merriman the American Girl doll and the Salem Witch Trials. Of course they'll look much cooler without jeans, but you get the idea. AND THE SLIVERS IN THE FLOOR! Because the floor is made of a barn. Which is just fine.

Last night was our first tech rehearsal for A Tale of Two Cities (click!) and as anyone who's had the pleasure of surviving a tech rehearsal week will know, there is a lot of sitting, a very lot of waiting, and even more stop and go. Luckily I have the yarns to keep me occupied and a cast of very pleasant people who generally make me feel very warm and squishy about this pretty neat show that we get to do together. I mean, really-- this show is so pretty. And sad. And happy. And funny. And heart-wrenching. And PRETTY. And my French Peasant hair is kind of honey-colored. I'm a blonde French peasant who gets really into the idea of "off with her head"-ing people. While standing on a set that used to be an old barn.

So I just sit there at tech rehearsal with my yarns, and my Ames, and my friends, and kind of just wait around to be needed, which means a few hours might go by, so I've got some Diet Coke, and some Cheetos, and some trail mix, and after a while last night there was even some sushi from the place down the street where they have the very most delightful staff who give you free drinks and soup while you wait for your to-go order and they know you by name, so that was nice too. And even though there's so much waiting around, there is a lot in life that is worse than sitting around with all those things, waiting for your turn to take part in something quite so interesting and happy and sad and pretty.

Though I mean, tonight will be interesting depending on how awkward this papercut makes things.

But at least it's not a sliver.

reflection

It's 19 degrees outside.

I'm not complaining, and I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses or whatever because the entire country has looked like this all week:We actually haven't gotten any snow in Utar, but it sure is chilly. It doesn't help when you (I) live in a basement apartment and the central heating is controlled by upstairs and your (my) vents aren't great anyway so it's typically about 58 degrees inside your (my) house.

I haven't really gotten ready for the day at all this week. Too cold, especially when I have to be at work by 8AM. I'm a wuss. I get it. But truly, it's more worth it to me to wear a sweatshirt and have 2-day old hair rather than suffer those 5 minutes post-shower, when your systems is shocked from blissful sauna hot tub water joy and your skin is all squishy and your lungs are all full and clear when you cross the protective shower curtain barrier and hit a wall of FREEZING SHRIVELED SKIN ICICLE HAIR WHIMPERING JAMES TAYLOR'S FROZEN MAN COLD. Give me a dirty-haired ponytail any day. EVERY day.

Also I've fallen into the habit of not wearing makeup, really. I don't forget, exactly, and it's not even that I'm just lazy. It's more like, I think about it on my way into the office and think I'll just take a few minutes to put on some mascara once I have a minute and then all of a sudden it's 5pm and I'm looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I managed to look so hashed the entire day long.

Isn't it interesting how getting up early is so much easier in the summertime? Curse my bed with flannel sheets and my own personal body warmer (aka Ames, who seems to consistently and conveniently radiate heat at all times), which is always the most comfortable between 6:00-7:45AM. All beds are the most comfortable during those winter hours. It's like a big mattress conspiracy.

But 19 degrees is a whole lot more bearable than 5 degrees at 8AM, which is what it was yesterday. 19 degrees is real cold, but when I ran outside just now to take the trash to the dumpster, I breathed in a certain invigoration that kind of filled me up inside and felt inspiring, reminding me that I can work 8-9 hours a day and then live through the French Revolution every night and find stage dirt in the most unlikely places and things are gonna be A-OK.

starting over

Did you know there are different kinds of tears? Your tears have a different chemical make-up when your eyes water as a result of wind or dust or whatever, than when you're emotional.

Tears used to be associated with purging of the bodily "humors," which makes sense given the fact that emotional tears contain a certain level of hormones-- that probably explains why people usually "feel better" after a good cry. Those medieval doctors were on to something.

Not surprisingly, women cry more frequently than men, and at longer durations. Crying turns into sobbing for women in 65% of cases, but only 6% for men. Babies in the US and Western Europe cry more than babies in Eastern Europe. Babies in Asia cry the most frequently, but African babies hardly cry at all. The pitch of babies' cries also apparently mimics the pitch of their parents' voice patterns (which would explain everything about the noise upstairs).

I seem to have had a lot of experience with crying lately, I'll be honest. I've started having weird anxiety attacks, which aren't even that weird or severe according to the symptoms, but it's weird because I haven't really had them until recently. Or at least I haven't acknowledged them as anxiety attacks. Husband Ames has been real understanding and also quick to point out that I/we have a lot going on right now. I'm still new-ish at work, we just bought a car, we're trying to move, we're rehearsing an intense show that opens in 16 days-- sometimes life just gives you anxiety. But when you're conscious of how silly you're being and how you know you're overreacting, well. It's hard.

I took a step recently to hopefully alleviate some of the stress from my life causing me anxiety. I am (as are all people) surrounded by factors in life over which I basically do not have control: I need to work full-time; we need to pay bills; we commute to what is essentially our second income. For a long time I've been giving myself added stress and anxiety over the fact that I seem to be at a complete standstill in the race to become The Biggest Loser (against myself). I've fluctuated between the same 4 lbs since late August. It's become increasingly frustrating as I lose it, mysteriously gain it back, rinse and repeat. So for the last few weeks, I gave myself a break and stopped dieting. I've been eating whatever I want, when I want it. I packed the scale away so I wouldn't be able to track myself. I need to restructure the rather destructively emotional pattern I've apparently set for myself by not having a pattern whatsoever. It's been bliss.

Ironically, I've had more compliments about how I look in the last few weeks than I have in months.

As of this morning, I'm back on the plan-- only I'm starting over. I've reset all my information on weightwatchers.com and erased my history. I began at 171.4lbs on May 1, 2010, and that part of my life needs to be over. It is over. I can't associate myself with it anymore. I was able to lose about 21 lbs in 4.5 months, and I'm very proud of it, but I need to move on and start clean.

This morning I was 154.2 lbs. With a fresh outlook and a refreshed spirit, I hope I can have as much success in the next four months as I did last year. And interestingly, I feel that renewal all the way into my insides in a way I haven't for months and months.

I don't think I'll cry today.

ring out wild bells

We took down Christmas last night.

What? I know it's January 20. I know last night was January 19. I know that Christmas was December 25 and that we're now closer to Valentine's day then we are to Christmas.

What?

I know I'm not alone in this.

With the prospect (and now reality!) of moving soon, it just kind of seemed easier to put it off till we knew what was going to happen, right?

Too bad it was at the expense of the dignity of a poor little Christmas tree named Jerry who brought us a lot of Christmas cheer and waved "hey" every time we walked in the door with his extra little branch. By the time he was hauled away last night, Jerry was all withered and drooped. Poor little guy.

The house looks surprisingly larger now that the tree and all the decorations are gone now, though. Which will be good in case anyone needs to come over to buy our contract.

Which they will because we're moving!

Anyone know of anyone who wants a little two-bedroom apartment? W/D included? Private entrance all utilities (except cable/internet) great LDS ward (if you're into that sort of thing) Central Orem location right by Target 3 miles from UVU for $600/month? Anyone? Let me know...

But anyway-- Christmas. It's now gone, I've now embraced 2011 and said goodbye to 2010.

All except for the four Halloween pumpkins still sitting by our front door.



What?

gloom-tastic

There's been a gloom cast over my life lately. I chalk it up to the melting dirty snow all over the place that makes everything distinctly moist. I've also felt very much like the Mysteriously Growing Woman since, though I've kept to the plan and started actively exercising about four times a week, I'm magically gaining weight, but we don't need to go into that. And of course those Waste of Makeup Days that we all have-- you know the kind-- that just seem to be all too abundant, probably because it's too cold in the morning to get up in time to get ready, which brings me back to the point about the melty gray snow.

We've recently managed to make some real Grown Up strides that I'm pretty sure is helping me reach my goal of increasing my awesomeness. First, we applied for our very first ever loan and drove off the lot with this:Look, there's me in the front seat texting about it! It's our very first Bell Family car-- a silver 2008 Mazda CX-7 Grand Touring. PRETTY! We figure we aren't going to be buying a house anytime soon, but we do spend a lot of time on the road with no sign of not spending a lot of time on the road, so we might as well have a cozy house on wheels that's not an RV.

But the gloom! Such gloom. It's got me in a funk I can't seem to pull out of. Part of the problem may be the fact that in spite of our shiny new car that we like to drive in, with the good sound system and heater that actually works, we seem to always be STUCK in traffic. Traffic is my worst anxiety, other than phones ringing off the hook. There's been plenty of that lately too... Just thinking of traffic and phones ringing makes my heart start pounding.

I intend to launch Pribbles & Prabbles: The Store on Etsy in February, which means I need to get cranking on some yarn projects but can't find the motivation. I wonder if the gloom has a little something to do with the fact that we've launched into rehearsals for Act II of A Tale of Two Cities in which we spend a lot of time in riotous French mobs, screaming, "GUILTY! GUILTY! OFF WITH 'ER HEAD!" at each other and witnessing a lot of terrible deaths. In all honesty, it's going to be a powerful production that I'm very excited to be a part of. You can get tickets HERE (if you don't think it'll make you too gloomy).

There's an Urban Outfitters sale happening online which is sorely tempting but not possible four days after buying a car (because WE DID THAT!) and also that thing about Waste of Makeup for the Mysteriously Gaining Woman. I think I might go the opposite route and actually just throw out (donate) half my wardrobe just to get rid of it. Simplify. Take some weight off by concentrating less on materialistic things. This will also make our impending move a lot easier.

Counting down the days till we move is kind of gloomy too, because it means we have to pack and then unpack. A fresh start will be nice. And also Fresh Step for our CAT because TREVOR the CAT can come live with us in a month!!!

But in the meantime: gloom, and taking home discarded cardboard boxes from work instead of recycling them.

Any suggestions for a gloom-buster?