What has happened to the blogger layout since I last posted?
Apparently I don't blog frequently enough.
I mean, this is really freaking me out. It kind of reminds me of the old old blogger days, back in 7th grade when Aaron F invited me and a handful of friends to "blogger" and I had no idea what it was.
That's how I'm feeling right now with this layout. It's all scary and sleek. How do I do this?
I find myself asking that question kind of a lot lately. How do I do this? The skill set required at my job is coming back pretty quickly, though I'm feeling inefficient and somewhat ineffective. I want to fix things. I want it all to run easily and well. How?
I'm in rehearsals at night. I'm not a stranger to rehearsals, but I haven't legitimately tap danced in a while, for example. How do I move my feet to make those sounds? How do I move my body twelve different ways and directions all at once? How do I get past my silliness and insecurities? It feels like it should all be second nature, and yet it doesn't seem second nature somehow.
I used to blog a lot. I used to write essays a lot, and then I would post them on my blog. In a large sense, I'm not even sure I feel like I know how to write essays anymore-- or even dopey little blog posts. Have you seen this blog lately? What a dreadful pity. How do I begin? How do I know what to write about? I used to write all the time about school and life and making soup. How do I do this??
It seems very trite but the things I feel like I confidently know how to do are basically limited to watching TV (movies annoy me lately-- how do I watch a movie without feeling annoyed by it? I'm watching Chocolat right now this moment ((well, really it's playing in the background, I'm not really watching)) and even though I'd call it a Top 5-er and I'm obsessed with Juliette Binoche and I need those red shoes amirite ladies? Ugh. Movies. Annoying.), online window-shopping, and being obsessed with my cats.
Let me stop you right there and clarify: I didn't say that I know how to be obsessed with cats generally. I specifically know how to be obsessed with my own cats three (well, 2.5 really, since Jenna is very small and is only half the size of a normal cat).
But they really are the most hilarious and charming creatures. And they make me so happy. So is it really wrong? Is it wrong to love them so much? I ask you. Especially because I never have to ask myself how to love them. I just do. They don't get bogged down with anxiety or pressure to be the best or favorite cat because they're all the best one and they're all the favorite. They don't ever have to look at that hair elastic on the floor (Trevor's favorite toy) or consider their bowl of food and ask themselves, How do I do this?
I feel like it would be great to never have to ask myself, How do I do this?
I'm not saying I'm jealous of a few neurotic cats, you guys. I'm just saying it must be nice not to get inside your own head so much.
I guess I just need to start practicing again, give myself credit where it's due, and stop comparing myself to everyone else (which is a separate topic altogether).
And there is nothing wrong with the things I confidently know how to do. Mostly.
