howjoo do

It's Halloween today.

I say this, not because I have anything particularly Halloween-y to contribute, but mostly because I've now lived through 13 days of unemployment. The days kind of blur together a little-- they go by so quickly and at the end of the day I kind of step back and ask myself, "It's 11:45pm already? I've watched how many episodes of Mad Men? I've eaten how many oreos?" And at the same time, it's only been 13 days. Very interesting.

So yes. Today is Halloween-- October 31. I feel like it's been Halloween for weeks and weeks. We don't have major plans tonight aside from our yearly Ghost Hunters Live Episode party with Thai food, and we're going to see our friends perform Macbeth at midnight. I'm kind of done with Halloween lasting all month. I'm a fan of autumn, and I like pumpkins and fall, but Halloween is a holiday to me, not a season. I was raised trick-or-treating on a single night, not five times a week at 1000 Halloween parties. Costumes are exhausting to me this year.

And I get it-- the exhaustion probably stems from the amount of effort it takes to dress up and go to parties and all that, and I'm just so spent putting forth effort in my "real life" that effort for Halloween just isn't there.

Except to eat a pile of individually wrapped Twizzlers last night. But that's easy.

It's interesting how my perceptions have changed since being unemployed. I have so much time to spend with myself, and time really does kind of just pass by if I'm not careful. I've started making To Do lists that include items like:

1. Make the bed.
2. Put away the dishes.
3. Take a shower.
4. Do not eat oreos.

It's all to easy to waste away the day, which makes me feel pretty badly about myself. Writing these lists and then being able to cross off the items---

WAIT A SECOND. I must interrupt myself because the funniest little red cat just climbed on top of me to snuggle for a moment, of her own accord! She is so cute! LOOK AT LUCILLE 2!!Pardon me.

As I was saying, writing lists for myself and then being able to cross off the items on the list makes me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Last week I had lunch with my family at the BYU MOA Cafe, so I got there an hour early and spent an hour looking at art. I LOOKED AT ART. I felt refreshed and happy and inspired like I did in all those museums in Europe.

And today, while I have been watching Ghost Hunters repeats all day on SyFy, I also ate a whole back of Honey BBQ Flavor Twisted Fritos AND I went outside. More importantly, I've been indexing census records and easing myself back into a genealogical mindset. Tomorrow I plan to begin reading The Official Guide to Ancestry.com, and maybe I'll work on the gallery wall in my living room, and also start decorating for Christmastime (because Christmas is a season, like the phrase "the Christmas season," and I'm not going to get a Christmas tree yet, but I need it to be Christmas, okay?).

I'm going to have sparkly silver and aqua-colored trees this year. Is that weird? I don't care if it's weird.

So I mean, I'm making strides in my unemployment! I'm fulfilling myself with art and history and ghosts in the midst of job application rejections and a lack of motivation to exercise! It could be way worse, right?

Yes. Because I have a really nice and cute husband, and a snug little house, and two snuggle cats, and a smart brain.


So how' is your life during my unemployment?

the unemployment project

Well this has been an interesting week.

Is that an understatement? It might be an understatement. Or an overstatement, actually, now that I'm thinking about it.

It might be an understatement because I've spent the week doing a lot of things like spending all day Wednesday getting ready for the Hale Centre Theatre annual Thank You party (you say "masquerade," I say "how high?"), sleeping till 11am or so, contemplating taking a shower but then ultimately deciding to stay on the couch crocheting and watching Lie to Me on Netflix, and cooing over my kitty cats.

So I guess it hasn't been terribly interesting in and of itself, though the reasons it hasn't been interesting have been kind of interesting. So I guess what I'm saying is:

This has been an uninteresting but very interesting week.

I was laid off on Monday afternoon.

There-- I said it.

And while I'm on the subject of "interesting," being laid off is seriously the most interesting. It's such a strange combination of relief (at least for me, in this case, for a range of reasons) and confusion and rather terrible, wracking inadequacy, all with a nice little cherry on top called "free time." Of course, the free time is also a ticking time bomb considering I've only got a few weeks before I'll be fretting without an income, but I mean that's beside the point.

In general, I basically see this as a blessing. Again, I may be reconsidering that blessing when we are pinching pennies for a car payment in December, but in generalllllllllllllllllllllll I'm trying to really see this as a Divine Intervention and an example of God taking control of a situation I was too afraid to take full responsibility for. He knows my heart, He knows my desires, and He knew I was certainly feeling unfulfilled in my former position. Granted, it may have been nice to have some security before moving on, but at ultimately if I ever had a chance to really take the time to consider what it is I really want to do with my life, this is it.

I'm really seeking a career. I really want to do something I'm good at, that I'm passionate about, and that will make me happy to get to work every day. What is that? I have no idea. If anyone has any ideas, that would be great :)

But in the meantime, I've decided to take this opportunity to really get to know myself and become the best version of myself. I have so many wonderful examples of self-actualization in my life who inspire me and make me want to be as wonderful and inspiring and self-actualizing as them.

I get that I've had ambitions of self-actualization for years now, but now is my time! And if I want to do anything besides watch Neflix (which seriously wouldn't be a problem-- I have a lot of doily projects I want to do and I need something to watch while I do them but maybe it's not the greatest use of my time), I need to make a plan. Which is why I've outlined....

~*~*~*The Unemployment Project*~*~*~

1. Exercise 5x weekly-- 30 mins minimum per day.
2. 15 mins light free weights per hour of TV daily (eh? eh?)
3. Track food intake via sparkpeople.com
4. Make the bed every day
5. Do the dishes every day
6. Do not go to bed with a messy coffee table
7. Finish a book by November 1
8. Empty boxes in the back room (aka The Hoarder Room)
9. Read scriptures and write in gratitude journal each day (for maximum Tude Adjustment)
10. Complete one project by November 15
11. Find a job to make an income AND make me happy.

Cheers, former company. I'd tell you to "eat it," but that would be undiplomatic and quite against the spirit of The Unemployment Project so-- cheers.

Health and happiness SHALL BE MINE!



...and while we're on the subject, know of anyone seeking to hire a fun, hard-working, well-rounded twentysomething who is willing to tackle new challenges with real go-get-em and pluck?

~*~*happy wednesday*~~*~

Today is a much better Wednesday than I had last Wednesday, and it's also a much better Wednesday than this past Sunday, which means today is maybe the best day I've had in a while. There's no specific reason. I'm at work, I'm not fulfilling any life goals, I'm not feeling particularly passionate, but it's a good day and I feel like that's pretty great.

~*~*~*happy wednesday*~*~*~

1. lovely responses i've had to this post

I'm so appreciative of the many comments and responses I had to my most recent blog entry. Not only has it seemed to have cultivated a sense of community in my social circle, it's also opened a number of wonderful dialogues. I am truly amazed by people. I hope to keep at it.

2. ghost hunters, antm, and toddler's & tiaras tonight

I'm banking on the fact that this will also include some form of delicious dinner and mint oreos.

3. doilies

They are so pretty, and fun to make, and I'm making a billion so I can hang them on my wall. Then I will take a picture of them on my wall and then everyone on pinterest will be obsessed with it and my creativity will take over the world. I get that crocheting doilies may make a grandma before my time, but after taking over pinterest, this honky grandma be trippin.

4. parks & recreation

BUT REALLY, YOU GUYS.

5. pond's classic cold cream

I'm not kidding-- I'm a honky grandma. I crochet doilies and wash my face with cold cream. And it is the most lovely, moisturizing, smells-like-roses delight of my life.


What's happy about your Wednesday?

why i believe

So okay. Last night I stayed up much later than I expected/intended, and I wrote this rather angsty blog while watching the last few episodes of Steve Carell on The Office and how it was giving me legitimate anxiety to watch it-- not because Michael Scott gives me anxiety but because no Michael Scott and a change in the balance of the fictional world of Dunder Mifflin gives me anxiety and also maybe I'm prone to anxiety lately, which is turning out to be a real son of a gun to overcome. This blog post was about facing fears and kind of a cosmic look into What is my Purpose in life? and it's probably a good thing for all of you, dear readers, that I got so annoyed/nervous about my own angst and nerves that I saved but didn't post it.

What kind of place am I in my life where fretting about Michael Scott (or lack there of) is how I project my own Real Life anxiety into an mild-but-hours-long anxiety episode?

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY ANXIETY. My point here is that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, largely about The Point of All This Living. Luckily, I'm blessed enough to know that my life does have purpose. I have a firm belief that the world is not filled with coincidence, we do not live only to die, and that this life is just one step toward achieving a Higher Purpose. How bleak life must be to those who do not believe in an Afterlife or a loving God or Being or Presence that is aware and mindful of little tiny me?

I mean, if that's your belief, more power to you. But for me personally, to think that I am just a bunch of particles living on a big great slab of earth matter and will return to that earth matter without any Purpose-- what's the point? Why try? Why learn? Why contribute or grow or change the world? It is bleak. It is scary and lonesome. It is cynical.

And I guess that's why I'm so nervous all the time lately-- because I'm at a very real crossroads in my life and I'm not sure what direction to go. I know the ultimate end-- to return to a loving Heavenly Father who will welcome me back into His presence-- but how do I get there? What's next? I know the minutia of religious observance-- read the scriptures, pray, be a good person, help other people-- but on a grander scale, what do I do next? I'm not sure. But it's okay. Maybe last night it didn't feel okay, and yesterday morning, and a handful of other times over the last few months it didn't feel okay, but this morning-- right now-- it's okay. And I'm okay.

I know that we are watched and cared for by a God who has provided a way for us to return to Him. I know that there is more to our existence than this life and we are meant to be exalted. I am so glad that this business of families and children and generations isn't meaningless and that we all get to hang out together in heaven forever and ever and ever, and so unspeakably grateful for the living Christ who was resurrected to make our salvation a reality. All this makes this moment in time worth it-- it gives meaning to my uncertainty and discomfort. Even if I don't know what to do with myself now, I know what to do with myself on a higher level, and it makes the struggle worth it.

I know not everyone believes what I do. I'm not stupid enough to be ignorant of that, and I'm not stupid enough to tell other people they're wrong. If you don't believe in God, fine. If you don't believe in an Afterlife, that's also fine. If you don't believe in eternity or divine worth or the institution of marriage or whatever, by all means, that is up to you. But this is what helps me get through the day. It helps me push through this time when I feel like I don't have much purpose in my life except to simply be a daughter of a God who wants me to be happy. It would make me miserable beyond words to think that my marriage is limited, and my capacity for reason and learning has no purpose, and that my talents and interests and abilities are for nothing. I believe it because I can't not believe it. I believe it for my ability to keep living. I believe it because I must.

And you know, when there's a sweet, warm cat snuggled at the end of your bed in the middle of a dark night, who sighs happily when you pet him and then licks your forehead as if to say, It's okay, how can it not be?

I am blessed. I am worthy. I am smart. I am doing my best. I am filled with light.

I am grateful.





Oh and I'm a Mormon. Not a member of a cult! CLICKY CLICKY!